Lose Weight for the New Year and Look like Jennifer Garner

My Guilty Pleasure show is Alias, starring Jennifer Garner. The season premier was a two-hour special on Wednesday night. I watched it twice actually. Not because I'm obsessed, but a friend called me about 10 minutes before it started and asked me to tape it. She came over last night and watched it with me.

You're wondering what this has to do with weight loss. Well, on January 1st, you and about half of America decided to make a resolution to lose some extra weight. On January 5th, advertisers decided you were too fat as well, especially those of you who watch Alias.

The first time I watched the premiere was with Kristen, and about 3/4 of the way through I noticed an exceptional number of weight loss related ads. So many, in fact, that's why I sat through the entire episode again. Kristen helped me write down every weight loss or dieting related commercial. I came up with 15 companies, she came up with 16. Many of them aren't typically related to weight loss, but had a distinct dieting twist to this particular commercial.

First, there were several standard weight loss ads.

• Weight Watchers

• Special K cereal

• Hydroxycut

• One-a-Day Weight Smart vitamins

• Bally Total Fitness

Then, a couple products whose ads don't typically address healthy lifestyles, but they made an exception this week.

• Milk (24 ounces in 24 hours helps you lose weight.)

• Jared was back in the Subway commercials, two different commercials.

• This week's 20/20 episode is about weight loss.

• Applebees Restaurant has a Weight Watchers menu.

• Wal-Mart is the place to save money on everything healthy.

Finally, the bullshiit artists came out. These are the commercials who attempted to convince me they are diet foods.

• Dannon and Yoplait both perpetuated the myth that yogurt is diet food.

• Wheat Thins claimed zero grams of "trans-fat".

• Three Musketeers advertised they are lower fat than other candy bars.

Here's the truth:

Compare yogurt to milk. A single six-ounce serving of original Yoplait yogurt (from my refrigerator) contains 170 calories. Total carbohydrates is 33 grams, 27 of which are from sugar! An eight-ounce serving of 2% milk (fills you up more) and only has 11 grams of carbohydrates, and 120 calories. Milk also contains 50% more calcium, which some legitimate studies indicate may help you lose weight. milk also has 20% more vitamin D and more vitamin C. (Yogurt does have slightly more phosphorus, whatever that does.)

Reduced Fat Wheat Thins contains 4 grams of fat including 1 gram of saturated fat. While not a high fat snack, you get 150 calories an a bonus of 260mg of sodium. Neither of these are too bad, but you get virtually no nutrition. The only nutrient over 2% is iron at 6%. If you want a healthy snack, eat an apple. Need the iron? Try broccoli.

My personal favorite... Three Musketeers is a Candy Bar. If I have to look this one up for you... you're too far gone... have a Snickers, they taste better!

The one advertisement on which we disagreed was from Victoria's Secret. Apparently they are having a sale on large breasts, two for the price of one, or something. I wasn't really listening, but Kristen took it as a "you wish you were this hot" ad that suggests you might look like this with the right bra.

Apparently the advertisers are winning the war. Following the episode Kristen looked at me and said "Honey, I want to look like Jennifer Garner."

To show my support for my wife, I said "Honey, I too want you to look like Jennifer Garner." That's just the type of husband I am.

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If you missed it, here’s the entire episode…

The show opens with Sydney Bristow in an incredibly sexy outfit, seducing a bad guy selling top secret stuff to other bad guys. Then her cover is blown, and all Hell breaks loose. Lots of punching and kicking begin.

...Flashback 72 hours to find out how it all begins…

Sydney’s job is in jeopardy because of rogue behavior, Vaughn is a cry-baby again, and Sloane controls the world again. Something bad happens, and they show how Sydney ended up in the sexy outfit.

SunFyre contemplates masturbating to thoughts of Sydney later. (Which, if done properly, can burn several hundred calories.)

Sloane reveals the bad, bad man, and sends Sydney after him with a sword. She almost dies, then saves the world, thanks to help from friends and family and a computer nerd named Marshall.

I'll be tuning in January 12th to see if advertisers have given up on us already.