I'm back...

... after a few months away. It's been crazy since November. I made one feeble attempt in January to resurrect my blog, but failed pretty miserably. I'll try to do better.

Anyhow, let us begin.

I've been experiencing a pretty intense case of "caregiver syndrome". It's very typical among severely disabled individuals who receive intimate levels of care. This situation is a little unique, however.

Generally, "caregiver syndrome" is characterized by amorous or sexual feelings toward a someone whom provides a fairly intimate level of personal care over a period of time. It's common among people with disabilities and individuals who have experienced traumatic injury.

Almost every disabled person I know has experienced it from time to time, although many deny that the emotions aren't genuine. I suspect this is because many disabled people lack legitimate romantic experiences, therefore sexual feelings towards caregivers seem extremely real.

I've always been pretty good about identifying real attraction versus "caregiver syndrome". When I start having feelings for someone, I always evaluate my current situation. Am I depressed? Do I currently have love in my life? Am I currently sexually active? If I'm not in a very good place, I'm more susceptible to attraction.

This current situation is a little unusual. Instead of providing care directly for me, she is our nanny. She's a very cute 23 year-old. Actually, today is her 23rd birthday. She's also taken a temp job with my marketing consulting firm.

I'm in a susceptible position. My relationship with my wife is currently under strain. I'm feeling pretty good, but I'm stressed. Those things increase my sexual anxiety.

She, however, isn't the standard object of my attraction. She's young. I've usually been attracted to women my age or older. She's got a boyfriend. While my attractions don't always focus on completely single women, generally I'm able to defray them when a woman is in a relationship.

Finally, while I find her physically appealing, my attraction isn't purely physical or sexual. She has a unique personality that intrigues me. She's not self-centered, although she's a confessed Princess. She is genuine and has high integrity, although there's a bad girl streak in her. She doesn't deny it either. She makes me laugh, and laughs genuinely at my jokes.

Typically when I have experience the "syndrome", most of my thoughts and feelings have been intimate or sexual in nature. With her, it's at a different level. I've fantasized about traveling with her, getting to know her better, making her experience joy and excitement.

I'm going to Atlantic City in a couple weeks. I asked her to do a little research for me to find a decent hotel at a decent price. Rather than find me super cheap lodging, she showed me all these romantic suites and luxury hotels. She actually found some decent deals, but they were on top-of-the-line accommodations.

I immediately started wishing she was traveling with me rather than Kristen. It wasn't that I want to get her away for some hotel sex. I wanted to enjoy myself, and entertain her, in a place that Kristen wouldn't enjoy. I'm going to Atlantic City for a poker tournament, and the only reason Kristen will go is because my sister just moved there.

Nikki would enjoy the poker, she'd love the hotel. She'd get a massage at the spa, and probably even get naked in the hot tub. I'd feel sexy being around her, even without any sexual contact.

My trip is only ten days away, and I haven't even made reservations. I'm feeling like two days away with my wife would be less enjoyable than working two days with Nikki in my office. It sounds ridiculous, and I wish it weren't true.