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SunFyre's Travel Guide to the Solar System

Many of us have a wish list of places we'd like to visit. Maybe you want to see kangaroos in Australia, the Eiffel Tower, Easter Island or maybe you want to go to Warrensburg, New York, home of the world's largest garage sale.

However, if you're interested in longer distance travel, perhaps throughout the solar system, it's important to get the facts before you leave. You don't want to simply hop on a space shuttle and say "take me where you're going" because you may not like your destination.

Here's my list of where you should go in the solar system to get the most out of your travel dollar!

If you're morbidly obese try Mercury or Mars where your 300 pound butt cheeks will only weigh 124 pounds.

If you just want to get in your skinny jeans again visit Uranus where your 150 pound frame will be down to 129 pounds. (Please hold your jokes having to do with tight jeans on Uranus, that's so sixth grade.)

If you just want to impress the friends before your class reunion asked them to hold it on Saturn or Venus. If you weigh 120 pounds, you'll be down to your high school weight of 109.

Guys, are you a little on the skinny side? Your 160 pound weakling ass will look like a buff 176 on Neptune. Alien babes will swear you're working out.

Speaking of weakling asses, if you want to be buff rather than just appear buff, take a short trip to Earth's moon. Your 75 pound bench press now rings in at a cool 450.

Speaking of moons, if you're looking for a romantic place to enjoy the moonlight, try Jupiter, it's got 62 of them. Your girlfriend will be impressed, but I hope you like big beautiful women because on Jupiter your 95 pound girlfriend tops out well over 200.

Do you like warmer climates? Visit Mercury where, in the summer things heat up to a comfortable 801°F. Just don't make a mistake and visit in the winter when the temperature is -279°F. It's a little hard to figure out when summer starts in winter ends because their year is only 88 days long.

Have you ever wondered where global warming is going to end? Visit Venus for a first-hand case study. There the Venusians, not to be confused with Venetians, used up all their oxygen. Their atmosphere is similar to our if you replace all the oxygen with carbon dioxide. The thick clouds keep Venus a constant 864°F, but remember it's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Have you ever wished you had just a few minutes extra each day? Visit Mars. You'll get an extra 40 minutes each day. Are you a real workaholic? Try Mercury where each day lasts 59 Earth days. Just be careful because, as we've already mentioned their year is only 88 Earth days, so your wake-up mid spring, and won't be ready for a nap until late fall.

Does your girlfriend want to spend every day with you? Move to Neptune, days are only 16 hours long. Just make sure she doesn't want to spend a hundred years with you, because a year last 165 Earth years. Save your money for calendars, a Neptune page-a-day calendar would have slightly under 90,000 pages. At least your kids won't have to share birthdays... with anyone.

Do you like to walk? Visit Pluto. You can walk the entire planet in about the same amount of time as it would take you to walk across Alaska and back. Wear a coat however, because the temperature is a steady -385°F. Just in case you're wondering, that's about 40°K. At 0°K, all molecular motion stops. That's cold.

Maybe you're a storm chaser. If you think the tornadoes of Kansas are impressive, visit Jupiter. That big red spot is a giant storm three times wider than Earth. The storm has been around for hundreds of years. I wouldn't recommend chasing it either, because the air pressure is so strong it would crush your SUV like a Styrofoam cup.

Do you like to this ancient ruins? Try the asteroid belt, a collection of 90,000+ orbiting bodies. Some of them as wide as 600 miles, while others are less than a kilometer. Some people believe these fragments are ruins of ancient planet or moon's. Others believe that some of the moons of Mars are old asteroids that got trapped by Mars' orbit. What goes around, comes around.

Feel like getting away from it all, hop on a comet. While these interstellar tour buses are fascinating, a round-trip on Halley's comet takes 76 years... and this is considered a short period comet. Some comets don't revisit our solar system for as long as 30 million years. You'd better take a snack.

Last but not least, perhaps you're sick of our solar system altogether. You want to visit a neighboring star. Our closest buddy (and best friend, pun intended) is named Sirius, a.k.a. the Dog Star. It's a long trip, about a 17 year round-trip, if traveling at the speed of light. Unfortunately, until technology gives us a warp drive you have to rely on current technology. Voyager 2 can make the trip one way in about 300,000 years, but we haven't figured out how to bring it back yet, so plan on staying for a while.

And there you have it, SunFyre's Travel Guide to the Solar System. Please note that all verified facts were confirmed by NASA, and all verified lies were confirmed by SunFyre. Much of this article is somewhere in between.

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