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I'm Going to Be the Next American Idol

Well, if geeks had an idol, I'm going to be it, or at least make an attempt. My favorite show (yes, it's on G4TV) is Attack of the Show. It's my personal daily retreat into geekdom. I'm going to be the new host!

The show is pretty much made for me. It has segments about software, games, technology news, DVDs, and music. That's all well and good, but even for me, rather boring. What makes this show great is its smart and somewhat cynical sense of humor. It's a show for geeks, by geeks, who also enjoy laughing at geeks.

Anyhow, long story short, one of the three hosts (actually, the one I liked best) left the show rather suddenly a few months ago. They made due with guest hosts from other shows for eight or ten weeks, and now they are actively recruiting.

They decided to hold open casting calls in San Francisco, New York, and their home base of Los Angeles. The LA and San Francisco calls are over, and New York is this weekend.

I'm going.

It sounds incredibly stupid. A guy, and somewhat ugly guy at that, is going to attempt to become a super television star, well, a minor personality on a third or forth tier cable network at least.

"Why?" You ask.

Good question. First, my true love career is broadcasting. I studied radio and television broadcasting for three of my four years in college before an honest and genuine academic adviser told me "Jason, you have a television voice, but a radio face."

He wasn't being cruel. He just knew that television stations don't hire baby-faced guys in wheelchairs with crooked teeth. He also knew that my voice doesn't pop enough to guarantee a steady job in radio.

That was in 1990, and times have changed. I hope the world is nearly ready for the first severely disabled minor celebrity. Maybe not, but I'm going to give it a try.

Here's my pitch... I figure that shortly after I become host, word will start circulating among the population of disabled Americans. Few will believe that any show hired a gimp like me. There are approximately six million severely disabled people in the U.S. If I can capture the Male 12-34 (G4's key demographic) segment, I should persuade maybe 5% of that six million to watch regularly. That's 300,000 new viewers. I haven't been able to secure official television ratings for Attack of the Show but my guesstimate is that 300,000 new viewers would about double the current regular viewers. No other host could hope to have that draw, at least not another unknown.

I'd be the Uhura of the disabled. (Only a true geek would understand.)

Furthermore, my demographic is even better than the typical 12-34 year old males. Heck, all we do is sit around in front of televisions or computers!

Anyhow, Saturday morning I'm off to New York City for the audition. Wish me luck!

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