Skip to main content

Today is Stomach Stretching Tuesday

I have a pre-Thanksgiving ritual. It's called Stomach Stretching Tuesday.

Every year on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving I gorge myself. I eat a lot to stretch the lining of my stomach. You see, that full feeling you get on Thanksgiving day, that bloated feeling that can only be described as walrus-like, is completely preventable using these easy steps.

Most of you tend to eat light for a few days before Thanksgiving. You want to eat a lot on the Holy Turkey Day, so you try to pinch calories for several days before.

The problem is that your stomach lining will actually shrink after about 48 hours. The acid in your stomach is reduced. If you don't exercise those so called "stomach muscles" as Fat Uncle Pete calls them, they go flabby.

Then, midway through helping #2, the pain begins. That's when you start talking about how you could have eaten four plates full when you were in your twenties. By the end of your second plate, you're forced to collapse on the sofa, pants unbuttoned, making sounds like a sick alley cat.

Your recently shrunken stomach is full, and those little fountains from the anti-acid commercial are working overtime. All of this could have been prevented.

Starting on Tuesday, eat several large meals. I recommend 6-8 if you can find the time. Each time add a little more food, stretching the lining of the stomach. You want to feel very full without putting yourself into pain. I call this feeling "happily gorged".

Next, starting Wednesday morning you begin a strict health regiment. First, begin the day with a bowl of your favorite bran cereal. Bran is high in fiber and, well, I'm going to assume you know what fiber can help. For the remainder of the day drink only fruit juice. In 24 hours the bran bulldozer should have begun working and by Thursday morning you should be clean and empty from top to, well, your bottom.

Now you are ready for Thanksgiving. You will have a hunger like you haven't felt. You will have a large, well stretched stomach lining. Your digestive juices will have been kicked into hyperdrive.

You should be able to eat just one meal on Thanksgiving. Begin this meal early in the day, perhaps 8am, and continue eating steadily until 8 or 9pm. The continuous flow of food into your body will give you that "happily gorged" feeling with little or no gastrointestinal pain and the ability to happily chat and watch football with the family. If your team is winning, you may even be able to leap to your feet, although I wouldn't recommend it. Poor Uncle Pete won't even be able to throw his arms up in the touchdown fashion.

One last piece of advice! Remember gravy acts not only as sealant between gaps in your foodstuffs, but also as a lubricant for "Porcelain Friday". Use gravy liberally.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Friday Funnies: a couple LOLcats and one shameless plug

Is this the new flavor at Kungaloosh Gourmet Tea Company?

I'm Disabled and I Can Prove It

I'm disabled. 
I was born in 1970. About a year later I was diagnosed with spinal muscular atrophy. I never walked. I got my first wheelchair at kindergarten age, and my first power wheelchair in sixth grade.
Yet, around 4 to 6 times per year I have to, for one reason or another, prove that I'm disabled.
Granted, I'm 5 feet nothin', 112 pounds and sit in an electric wheelchair, but apparently that's just anecdotal evidence… We need science!
The Good Doctor
Every couple months I have to send my physician a form and ask him to fill it out. He has to state that I have spinal muscular atrophy, identify the diagnosis date, explained that my prognosis is something akin to "ain't getting better any time soon" and sign it.
With new Medicare regulations, the good doctor is not allowed to sign the said form without seeing me "face-to-face" to prevent fraud. Although I'm extraordinarily healthy, hospitalized last in 1996 for something unrelated to my dis…

Endangered Gorilla Killed after Child Falls into Habitat

One of this week’s trending topics on Facebook and twitter was a tragic story. A small boy fell into the gorilla habitat at the Cincinnati Zoo. Minutes later the western lowlands gorilla, a critically endangered species, was shot and killed by zoo personnel.
A tragic story has been made even more tragic through misinformation and misguided opinion on social media.
Here are six ways that Facebook and twitter users made the situation worse.
It’s the mother’s fault!
I’m a father of 14-year-old twins, a boy and a girl. I don’t know a single father or mother that has never in their lives lost sight of their three-year-old. I compare it to a trip to Walmart. You’ll see a toddler screaming and a mother completely exasperated, and usually another child being completely ignored. Those of you without children stand in judgment. I know I did. “If that were my child I would…” I’ll let you complete the sentence in condescending judgment. 
Parents, however, understand. We’ve all been there. Every …