Skip to main content

Character Snapshot: Mansfield


"Mansfield" as I call him has been on 73 first dates and 0 seconds. Tonight makes number 74, although he stopped counting in the mid-30s. He's become a master of the first date.

He attended Mansfield University nine years ago for a semester and a half, accruing 15 credits in the process. On the 74th date he is wearing a Mansfield University basic gray T-shirt with white letters. It is simple, so he doesn't think of it as bragging, but he made sure to work the words "my alma mater, Mansfield University" into the conversation at some point during each date.

Mansfield isn't a bad looking man. He has curly red hair, which hides the fact that it's slightly thinning. It matches his red mustache, which is thick but well groomed. It doesn't stretch across his entire top lip, just a little broader than an Adolf Hitler. Subliminally, it made all of the women slightly uncomfortable, but only one person, a Jewish woman whose grandmother died in the prison camps, ever was able to pinpoint what made her uncomfortable. Number 26 left the date early without saying goodbye, just excused herself to use the restroom and disappeared.

Mansfield was a customer service representative for the cable company. It wasn't a bad job, but not particularly good either. It was a medium job.

In fact, everything about Mansfield was medium. His job was okay, paying well but not terribly interesting. He performed adequately at it. He was overweight, but not obese. He had a pleasant face, but not particularly handsome. He considered getting a tattoo, but never actually got one. He had talked about it on some of his dates. He drove a used Ford Taurus, well-maintained. He lives in a one bedroom apartment on the second floor which he keeps relatively tidy, just in case.

The only thing unusual about him at all was his red hair. Several times he'd been complimented on it, because it was his only unique feature. To this he replied the line he practiced, "Well, I know you're wondering, and yes, the drapes DO match the carpet." The cheesy line was successful at neutraling any positive effect of his red hair.

That was the problem with Mansfield, and why tonight his record would fall to 0-74. Mansfield was medium. Perfectly average in every way. There is nothing about him that made him a great catch, yet nothing about him so horrible that he would be strangely interesting. When the roommates of his 74 first dates would ask the women how it was, they all replied "Okay". When asked if they were going to see him again they replied, "Maybe."

Don't worry about Mansfield. He has a date next Saturday night that he's excited about.

Comments

  1. Looking forward to hearing more about "Mansfield!" How does he even get the dates in the first place, is what I want to know!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

People who died on the toilet (real people and fictional characters)

Famous people who died on the toilet. Here is an extensive list of real people who died on the throne. Elvis Presley died of an overdose, falling off the toilet into a pile of his own vomit. Judy Garland died of an overdose discovered slumped over her toilet. King George II of Britain suffered a heart attack while sitting on the toilet. Wenceslaus III of Bohemia assassinated with a spear while he sat on the toilet. Godfrey IV, Duke of Lower Lorraine, was attacked by an assassin while sitting on the toilet. He died a week after the attack. Japanese warlord Uesugi Kenshin was assassinated with a spear while sitting on the toilet. British author Evelyn Waugh, who coincidently also married a woman named Evelyn, died on his toilet. Some believe he drowned in it, however his official cause of death was heart failure. Famed architect Louis Kahn suffered a heart attack and died on the toilet in New York City’s Penn station. One of the early Christian preachers, Arius, had been condemned as a…

More Realistic Anniversary Gift Traditions

New Anniversary Gifts Destined to become Traditional My wife and I have been married for 20 years today. Over the past 20 years I made efforts each year to observe the traditional anniversary gifts. Some of them are certainly more difficult than others, and many of them are hard to find gift worthy in the modern age.
Therefore, I offer you a modern take on anniversary gifts. How many of these will become traditional?
First Anniversary – The Ramen Noodle anniversary. Let’s face it, you blew $30,000 on the wedding, and your student loan debt hasn’t gone anywhere. Share a Cup O’ Noodles. Eat with chopsticks on the floor because you can’t yet afford a couch.
Second Anniversary – The Puppy Anniversary. She’s been looking at you with those eyes that say she wants to start a family, but you just bought a new couch. Get her a puppy instead.
Third Anniversary – The Kinky Lingerie Anniversary. Leather, silk or lace can re-fire the engines after a year of flannel pajamas that smell like the puppy,…

How United Airlines Should Have Handled the Situation

United Airlines is under fire for a viral video that shows them removing a passenger forcibly from an airplane bound for Louisville Kentucky.
Here are the bullets:

The plane was already loaded and full.The airline needed to fly four employees to Louisville Kentucky on the plane. The employees needed to go to prevent another plane from departing late.The airline offered $800 in compensation to the first four people who would volunteer to give up their seats. No one took the offer.The airline went to a lottery, drawing for people at random. These four people were asked to leave the plane, and they would receive the compensation.One of the passengers refused to leave. It's unclear how things escalated, however he was removed by security officers. Reports are conflicting about whether the officers were police officers, TSA workers, or airline staff.The gentleman was literally physically dragged down the aisle receiving while screaming in protest and physically abused in the process.Ap…