Skip to main content

Friday Funnies: Laughing at Death

Um, I'm OK!

Clem's pickup had been hit by a semi in an accident, and Clem was suing the trucking company for damages. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clem. "Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer.

Clem responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the -"

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Clem said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road -."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the investigating Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the judge had become interested in Clem's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clem thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran a stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into the other ditch. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape too, just by her groans! Shortly after the accident the Highway Patrolman, he came on to the scene.

He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes

Then the Patrolman, he come across the road, gun still smoking, looked at me and asked, 'How are you feeling?"

"Now: What the heck would YOU say!?"


Cookies to Die For

A very old man lay dying in his bed. He suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. 

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. 

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table was literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table. 

He was suddenly smacked on his hand with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."


Concealed Weapons

A state trooper stops an elderly woman for speeding. He asked her for her driver's license and registration. When she removed it from her wallet he noticed she had a Concealed Weapon Permit.


"Ma'am, are you in possession of a weapon at this time?" The officer asked.

She gestured toward the glove box and stated she had a ".45 semi-auto" in it.

As part of protocol the officer asked, "Are there any other firearms in the car?"

She opened her center console to reveal a 9 mm Glock.

Surprised, he hesitantly asked, "Are there any more weapons in your vehicle?".

She also admitted that she carries a .38 Special in her handbag.

All of her weapons and permits checked out, so the officer wrote the ticket for speeding, and was about to send her on her way.

"Ma'am," he asked, "what is it that you're so afraid of?"

She looked the trooper straight in the eye and said, "Not a F@CKIN' thing!"

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Personal Space: an invisible disability

The worst part about being disabled for me may surprise you.  In a previous post I invited you to share your thoughts about disability. (See:  The Worst Part of Being Disabled)

I face numerous frustrating challenges on a daily basis. I'm constantly dependent on others. I need help bathing and dressing. I can't drive, cook, hold a book or feed myself. I rely on family, employees, technology and the goodwill of others. Some days it's frustrating, but I've learned through experience how to manage all this help.

Other frustrations are attitudinal barriers. Today I live very comfortably and have a high family income. I'm an entrepreneur, but not because of my unquenchable desire to build businesses, but because very few companies would be willing to give me a job. I made the decision more than 15 years ago that I could build a business easier than I could find a job, so that's what I did.

My single biggest frustration however isn't getting the help I need or overco…

People who died on the toilet (real people and fictional characters)

Famous people who died on the toilet. Here is an extensive list of real people who died on the throne. Elvis Presley died of an overdose, falling off the toilet into a pile of his own vomit. Judy Garland died of an overdose discovered slumped over her toilet. King George II of Britain suffered a heart attack while sitting on the toilet. Wenceslaus III of Bohemia assassinated with a spear while he sat on the toilet. Godfrey IV, Duke of Lower Lorraine, was attacked by an assassin while sitting on the toilet. He died a week after the attack. Japanese warlord Uesugi Kenshin was assassinated with a spear while sitting on the toilet. British author Evelyn Waugh, who coincidently also married a woman named Evelyn, died on his toilet. Some believe he drowned in it, however his official cause of death was heart failure. Famed architect Louis Kahn suffered a heart attack and died on the toilet in New York City’s Penn station. One of the early Christian preachers, Arius, had been condemned as a…

The Worst Part of Being Disabled

The central character of my novel is a wheelchair user. I know that's no big surprise.

It's important to me, however, that I'm able to relate the experience of severe disability to a universal audience. I want to make sure the character expresses his worldview in a powerful way.

For example, you can close your eyes, but that doesn't help you truly understand blindness.

Every so often I hear about some sociology professor who gives everyone a disability for a day. People come up to me and tell me how they learned to understand my limitations and frustrations because they borrowed a wheelchair and went to the mall.  If they want to understand my frustrations, they should borrow a wheelchair and go to a job interview.

Whether you have been disabled your entire life, or spent your life in perfect physical condition, I want to get your perceptions on true disability.

What do you feel is the worst part about being disabled? Please be very specific. You can choose any disability, …