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Proper Etiquette when Meeting Cityfolk

In the beautiful Appalachian Mountains of Pennsylvania it's important that our citizens, although partially removed from world culture, art, high society and, well, civilization in general, we need to be aware of proper etiquette in social situations where we do meet people from cities. Otherwise, without proper etiquette we may be mistaken for West Virginians.

Therefore, here are a few friendly etiquette tips to help my fellow Pennsylvanians.

  • Never take beer to a job interview. Any job where it's acceptable to drink will already have beer.
  • It's friendly to identify the people in your yard before yelling at them. Simply hold your gun level until you recognize them.
  • Taking a snack to church is okay, but bringing a cooler is frowned upon.
  • Even if you know for sure that you are in someone's will, it's still considered rude to bring a U-Haul to the funeral home.
  • When decanting wine, make sure to tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise it. Later you may need to tilt the box.
  • When drinking directly from the bottle, use your hands. When you're holding the bottle, feet or cleavage are okay, but not when drinking it.
  • When entertaining your table centerpiece should be an item prepared by your taxidermist. Obviously, squirrels and groundhogs are okay, but bear and Whitetail tend to obstruct conversation.
  • Don't allow your dog to eat off the table, even if he's well mannered.
  • When cleaning your ears, it's rude to use someone else's keys. If you must, go out to your truck and get your own.
  • After repairing your truck or tractor, wash your hands. Dirt and grease under your fingernails can detract from a proper woman's jewelry.
  • Gentlemen, when courting, particularly in the early stages always offer to bait your date's hook.
  • When asking a father for his daughter's hand in marriage, you may want to have him get comfortable and offer him a glass of brandy. If you suspect he will say no, offer him six glasses of brandy first.
  • When in a movie theater, if your baby begins to cry, take him or her to the lobby. Just remember to pick them up there after the movie.
  • Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. In a proper setting, you should have it butchered first.
  • Speaking of weddings, when kissing the bride, more than five or 10 seconds is considered rude, especially if the groom is standing nearby.
  • Although uncomfortable, groomsmen are expected to wear socks and shoes.
  • When attending a wedding, put on your best attire. Make sure your bowling shirt is clean and wear your very best baseball cap.
  • When driving in the city, the right-of-way does not always belong to the vehicle with the largest tires.
  • Make sure your children know never to take a weapon to school. They should leave their rifles in the gun rack of their pickup.
  • When going off to college, oh, nevermind.
  • When enjoying a fine cut of meat, cityfolk don't consider it lucky to get the steak with the bullet in it.
  • When introducing your wife and sister, cityfolk expect to meet two women.
  • When visitors ask to use your bathroom, always offer them a coat, even if it's only a little cold outside.

Have more tips? Add them to the comments below.


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