Skip to main content

Pregnancy - Frequently Asked Questions

My assistant, Nicole, is about to go on maternity leave. This is her second pregnancy; both since she has been working for me. In the past 10 years I've had six of my attendants become pregnant. Both sisters, three sisters-in-law, and several close friends have had babies. Finally, as most of you know, my wife and I have twins. All told, I've experienced 26 babies in the past 10 or 11 years, so I'm somewhat of an expert on pregnancy.

common questions about pregnancy
common questions about pregnancy
Here are some common questions about pregnancy ...

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is plenty. I probably would've stopped after a dozen.

Q: I'm approximately 8 weeks pregnant. When will my baby move?

A: At approximately 18, he will move to college. Approximately 4 years later, he will move back home. After that, it's anyone's guess.

Q: What's the most reliable method of determining the baby's sex?

A: Childbirth

Q: My wife is five months pregnant. She is extremely moody. She talks irrationally, and occasionally seems downright psychotic.

A: So, what is your question?

Q: Do you recommend accepting drugs during labor to lessen the pain?

A: Yes, Absolutely! As a matter of fact, you could also offer some to your wife.

Q: How do I avoid a surprise baby shower?

A: Place a washcloth over his Wee-Wee when you change his diaper.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: During labor my wife will experience intense pain. What is best way for me to empathize with this pain?

A. Ask the obstetrician to show you your hospital bill.

Q: We are about to have twins as well! When should we expect to be ready for another baby?

A: LOL, it'll never happen.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife began to act and feel normal again?

A: Perhaps when the kids go to college. Perhaps.

Q: What is the best way to be prepared financially for a new baby?

A: Purchase a disposable diaper. Take all of your money and place it in the diaper. Then toss it into a landfill. Repeat the process after every paycheck for the next two years. This should prepare you for a baby.

Please feel free to keep those questions coming... after all, why should I keep all this wisdom to myself.

Post your question in the comments below.


Popular posts from this blog

Friday Funnies: a couple LOLcats and one shameless plug

Is this the new flavor at Kungaloosh Gourmet Tea Company?

Friday Funnies: Funny Retail Signs

Well, it's Friday so maybe you're planning to do a little shopping tonight. Watch carefully, and you might find some entertaining retail signage such as these. Here's a collection of funny retail signs from around the globe, mostly from the good old USA.

If you're planning to stay overnight, make sure you have a shilling and a few extra pence if you need to stable your horse. Here are the Rules of Inn.

After Christmas wrapping paper goes on sale, and so does Rapping paper, apparently.

Special offers are everywhere! You can get two drinks for the price of two! Don't worry, after four you won't notice how much you're spending anyhow.

Sometimes no caption is necessary.

But I'm so hot.  I'm sure everyone inside doesn't mind looking at me.

I didn't even bother going inside.  Clearly I would violate several of these store rules.

This was seen on a Dairy Queen drive through.  I always keep my secret ice cream money in my underwear.

You should pay a…

How United Airlines Should Have Handled the Situation

United Airlines is under fire for a viral video that shows them removing a passenger forcibly from an airplane bound for Louisville Kentucky.
Here are the bullets:

The plane was already loaded and full.The airline needed to fly four employees to Louisville Kentucky on the plane. The employees needed to go to prevent another plane from departing late.The airline offered $800 in compensation to the first four people who would volunteer to give up their seats. No one took the offer.The airline went to a lottery, drawing for people at random. These four people were asked to leave the plane, and they would receive the compensation.One of the passengers refused to leave. It's unclear how things escalated, however he was removed by security officers. Reports are conflicting about whether the officers were police officers, TSA workers, or airline staff.The gentleman was literally physically dragged down the aisle receiving while screaming in protest and physically abused in the process.Ap…