Skip to main content

Pregnancy - Frequently Asked Questions


My assistant, Nicole, is about to go on maternity leave. This is her second pregnancy; both since she has been working for me. In the past 10 years I've had six of my attendants become pregnant. Both sisters, three sisters-in-law, and several close friends have had babies. Finally, as most of you know, my wife and I have twins. All told, I've experienced 26 babies in the past 10 or 11 years, so I'm somewhat of an expert on pregnancy.

common questions about pregnancy
common questions about pregnancy
Here are some common questions about pregnancy ...

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is plenty. I probably would've stopped after a dozen.

Q: I'm approximately 8 weeks pregnant. When will my baby move?

A: At approximately 18, he will move to college. Approximately 4 years later, he will move back home. After that, it's anyone's guess.

Q: What's the most reliable method of determining the baby's sex?

A: Childbirth

Q: My wife is five months pregnant. She is extremely moody. She talks irrationally, and occasionally seems downright psychotic.

A: So, what is your question?

Q: Do you recommend accepting drugs during labor to lessen the pain?

A: Yes, Absolutely! As a matter of fact, you could also offer some to your wife.

Q: How do I avoid a surprise baby shower?

A: Place a washcloth over his Wee-Wee when you change his diaper.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: During labor my wife will experience intense pain. What is best way for me to empathize with this pain?

A. Ask the obstetrician to show you your hospital bill.

Q: We are about to have twins as well! When should we expect to be ready for another baby?

A: LOL, it'll never happen.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife began to act and feel normal again?

A: Perhaps when the kids go to college. Perhaps.

Q: What is the best way to be prepared financially for a new baby?

A: Purchase a disposable diaper. Take all of your money and place it in the diaper. Then toss it into a landfill. Repeat the process after every paycheck for the next two years. This should prepare you for a baby.

Please feel free to keep those questions coming... after all, why should I keep all this wisdom to myself.

Post your question in the comments below.



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

People who died on the toilet (real people and fictional characters)

Famous people who died on the toilet. Here is an extensive list of real people who died on the throne. Elvis Presley died of an overdose, falling off the toilet into a pile of his own vomit. Judy Garland died of an overdose discovered slumped over her toilet. King George II of Britain suffered a heart attack while sitting on the toilet. Wenceslaus III of Bohemia assassinated with a spear while he sat on the toilet. Godfrey IV, Duke of Lower Lorraine, was attacked by an assassin while sitting on the toilet. He died a week after the attack. Japanese warlord Uesugi Kenshin was assassinated with a spear while sitting on the toilet. British author Evelyn Waugh, who coincidently also married a woman named Evelyn, died on his toilet. Some believe he drowned in it, however his official cause of death was heart failure. Famed architect Louis Kahn suffered a heart attack and died on the toilet in New York City’s Penn station. One of the early Christian preachers, Arius, had been condemned as a…

More Realistic Anniversary Gift Traditions

New Anniversary Gifts Destined to become Traditional My wife and I have been married for 20 years today. Over the past 20 years I made efforts each year to observe the traditional anniversary gifts. Some of them are certainly more difficult than others, and many of them are hard to find gift worthy in the modern age.
Therefore, I offer you a modern take on anniversary gifts. How many of these will become traditional?
First Anniversary – The Ramen Noodle anniversary. Let’s face it, you blew $30,000 on the wedding, and your student loan debt hasn’t gone anywhere. Share a Cup O’ Noodles. Eat with chopsticks on the floor because you can’t yet afford a couch.
Second Anniversary – The Puppy Anniversary. She’s been looking at you with those eyes that say she wants to start a family, but you just bought a new couch. Get her a puppy instead.
Third Anniversary – The Kinky Lingerie Anniversary. Leather, silk or lace can re-fire the engines after a year of flannel pajamas that smell like the puppy,…

How United Airlines Should Have Handled the Situation

United Airlines is under fire for a viral video that shows them removing a passenger forcibly from an airplane bound for Louisville Kentucky.
Here are the bullets:

The plane was already loaded and full.The airline needed to fly four employees to Louisville Kentucky on the plane. The employees needed to go to prevent another plane from departing late.The airline offered $800 in compensation to the first four people who would volunteer to give up their seats. No one took the offer.The airline went to a lottery, drawing for people at random. These four people were asked to leave the plane, and they would receive the compensation.One of the passengers refused to leave. It's unclear how things escalated, however he was removed by security officers. Reports are conflicting about whether the officers were police officers, TSA workers, or airline staff.The gentleman was literally physically dragged down the aisle receiving while screaming in protest and physically abused in the process.Ap…