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Showing posts from November, 2012

Creation Vs. Evolution... The truth comes out.

The great debate has been solved. A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made."  Two days later the little girl asked her father the same question. Her father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple, I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Safe Sex with Donald and Daisy

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald started to get romantic with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have any protection?" Donald frowned and said, "No." Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get any protection, they could not get romantic. "Maybe they sell some supplies at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had any supplies. "Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?" "HECK No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

Christmas Coal for Stockings - A Recipe

We all know I've been a bad boy this year. I also tend to hang out with a lot of degenerate children. That's why I figured I better track down a recipe for coal for your stockings. I've seen "coal for your stocking" hard candy being sold in stores, however, I just paid for $3000 worth of orthodontia and have another $3000 on the schedule for next year. Therefore, I won't be buying my children gigantic chunks of sugar any time soon. Furthermore, candy coal generally tastes like black licorice. The only member of my family that likes the taste is my mother-in-law. I'm not stupid enough to give her coal her stocking. There are some mother-in-law jokes that don't go over well. My guess is this is one of them. So how do I give my children coal their socks? Once again... I give you the Christmas miracle that is the Internet... Recipe for Christmas Coal 1/4 cup butter 10.5 ounce bag mini marshmallows 1/8 tsp. black icing color** 4 cups rice cereal In a

12 Oreo Cookie Recipes

It's official, Oreo cookies are 100 years old. Probably the most awesome cookie of all time, simple, sweet and delicious. However, did you know Oreos are also great as an ingredient. Sure, plain they are delicious. Dunked in milk, even more so. But Oreos can't be stopped there... here are 12 recipes that use Oreos as a principal ingredient . Granted, I'm far too lazy to try any of them, but they look delicious. If you decide to actually make some, send me a box. Cookies & Cream Cheesecake Cupcakes Oreo Pops Oreo Top Hats Chocolate Chip Oreo Cookie No Bake Cookies and Cream Bars No Bake Oreo Truffles Cookies and Cream Cupcakes Oreo Popsicles Chewy No-Bake Cookies & Cream Treats Streusel Oreo Muffins Cream Cheese Frosted Oreo Brownies Simple Oreo Ice Cream Cake

Signs You May Have Overdone It on Thanksgiving

I overate on Thanksgiving, as usual.  If you're not sure, here are some of the signs... You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps. Scientists are reporting a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis. Paramedics brought in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of your chair. Your "Gravy Boat" seats 12! You ate enough potatoes to cause a shortage... in Idaho. Your morning jog registered a 3.9 on the Richter Scale. Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy. The scale at the health food store registered "Error - 1 person only please" when you put in a quarter.  When you pressed continue, it charged you a buck and a half. Nine guys tied ropes to you and tried to float you in the Macy's Parade. Your relatives want to go home, but they're stuck in your gravitational field. Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called... twice.

Happy Thanksgiving

Guide to a Successful Marriage

Two Doilies As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch in Wyoming. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For fifty years, Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day, when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two hand tatted doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," Edna explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies," Edna replied. Thanks Tim P. -- Heywood, Victoria, Australia  Fifty Shades of Grey Four me

Dr. Seuss Computer Crash Poem

“If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. “If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and you data is corrupted ‘cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash. “If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.... “And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a drunk; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ‘cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang. “When the copy on your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause more u