10 Jobs I Could Never Do!

I love my job. I’m a marketing consultant for a web development firm. I get to work with lots of small business owners and do my best to help them increase their income.

I’m lucky. I was thinking about it. There are quite a few jobs I wouldn't want to do, but if push came to shove, I would do them to provide for my family.

On the other hand here are…

10 Jobs I Could Never Do!

While some of these may be obvious, others are perfectly respectable careers that I could not manage.

Slaughterhouse Worker – I’m far from a card-carrying member of PETA. I eat meat, wear leather, and don’t have a problem with hunting as a sport. I could even be a butcher, as long as someone delivered the cow already dead. I have no desire to actually do the killing, nor would I.

Garbage Collector – Simple enough, but it’s not for the reason you think. I don’t get grossed out very easily. My problem would be actually collecting the garbage. Inevitably, I’d find something cool or even slightly useful and it would become mine. Next thing you know my property is condemned and I’m being featured on “Hoarders”

Podiatrist – I’m actually fascinated by medicine, and would definitely like working as a doctor. However, feet are pretty ugly. Even the cute ones are pretty ugly. Not only that, nobody goes to the podiatrist unless their feet have issues. My guess is that they spend their days looking at the ugliest of the ugly.

Urologist – See podiatrist, substitute penis. Enough said.

Kindergarten teacher – Teaching is a noble profession. Kindergarten is not teaching, it’s herding. Don’t get me wrong. I love kids. I have two of them myself and the whole cluster of shorties that hang out with my friends and family members. I love kids… Just not 26 of them at a time. I’d be okay for a while, then one day, like a firecracker… Snap… I’d be on the news. They’d interview my neighbors who would all tell you I looked perfectly normal.

Children’s Services Worker – Some parents are SHITTY. Actually, a surprising number of them are just complete idiots. My wife is a social worker, and I hear things. If I had her job, I wouldn’t go interview the kids, work with the parents, set up counseling, create a plan, and hope it all works out. I go in and pick the kids up by the scruff of the neck toss them in a squad car, drive them to the nearest shower, buy them some PJs and read them a good night story. If their parents protested, I’d say “You’re an Idiot” then you’d hear that familiar… Snap… And again, I’m on the 11 o’clock news.

Bath and Body Works salesperson – I can’t even walk past the store without wanting to hurl. The store is filled with many lovely fragrances. However, when you walk inside, you’re hit with every lovely fragrance simultaneously. At least the garbage collectors get to work outdoors. Worse yet, I’m sure that stuff permeates you personally. You’re going to be farting, lavender, roses and chamomile until the day you die. I’m pretty sure most of the old ladies I know once worked at Bath and Body Works.

Plumber – I live in this magic fantasy world. If there’s something gross in my home, it gets flushed. If it doesn't go down, I call the plumber. Oh sure, they get those occasional calls when a toddler flushes their My Little Pony, but generally, everything they recover his gross. Unlike the garbage collector, plumbers don’t rescue buried treasures.

Tobacco Company Executive – I couldn’t live knowing that my personal fortune and well-being depends on me knowingly killing as many people as possible with long slow painful deaths.

Genocidal Dictator – See Tobacco Company Executives, only not as bad because at least I’m killing them quickly.

Well, there you have it… My list of 10 careers I’d never choose.

You may have noticed a few omissions from this list.

Serial Killer – I’m not much for murder, but if I’m going to do it, I’m going to do it right. I probably would even be one of those nice serial killers like Dexter.

Gynecologist – With podiatry and urology, it’s clear I’m scared of the uglies. But let’s face it, I’ve been doing my best to study gynecology for quite a while. What’s another eight years of study?

Yankee Candle salesperson – The smell would generate the same hatred as Bath and Body Works, if I didn't have slight pyro-maniacal tendencies.

None would be my first choice, but hey, a paycheck is a paycheck.

Let's hear from you… What job could you never do, and why?