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Friday Funnies: Dog Days of Summer

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L.A. public pools don’t have lifeguards—[they] have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making?” and give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.

~ Craig Ferguson
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A commuter train from New York to Washington DC suddenly lost power and slowed down to a crawl.

The conductor comes on the intercom. "Good news and bad news.The bad news is we've lost power and are coming to a stop. The good news… You're on a train not an airplane."
– –

We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.

~ Lew Schneider
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Summer has the dumbest names for holidays.

What day do we try to get everyone together? Independence Day.

What day does everyone have off work? Labor Day.
– –

A shepherd was teaching his apprentice

"Lad, how many sheep are in the field?"

After a moment the apprentice said "18".

"Well done, now round them up."

"20"
– –

Some people take up swimming for exercise so they will live longer.

Some people take up swimming just to live longer.
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