Friday Funnies: Dog Days of Summer

L.A. public pools don’t have lifeguards—[they] have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making?” and give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.

~ Craig Ferguson
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A commuter train from New York to Washington DC suddenly lost power and slowed down to a crawl.

The conductor comes on the intercom. "Good news and bad news.The bad news is we've lost power and are coming to a stop. The good news… You're on a train not an airplane."
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We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.

~ Lew Schneider
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Summer has the dumbest names for holidays.

What day do we try to get everyone together? Independence Day.

What day does everyone have off work? Labor Day.
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A shepherd was teaching his apprentice

"Lad, how many sheep are in the field?"

After a moment the apprentice said "18".

"Well done, now round them up."

"20"
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Some people take up swimming for exercise so they will live longer.

Some people take up swimming just to live longer.

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Friday Funnies: Funny Retail Signs

Well, it's Friday so maybe you're planning to do a little shopping tonight. Watch carefully, and you might find some entertaining retail signage such as these. Here's a collection of funny retail signs from around the globe, mostly from the good old USA.

If you're planning to stay overnight, make sure you have a shilling and a few extra pence if you need to stable your horse. Here are the Rules of Inn.

After Christmas wrapping paper goes on sale, and so does Rapping paper, apparently.

Special offers are everywhere! You can get two drinks for the price of two! Don't worry, after four you won't notice how much you're spending anyhow.

Sometimes no caption is necessary.

But I'm so hot. I'm sure everyone inside doesn't mind looking at me.

I didn't even bother going inside. Clearly I would violate several of these store rules.

This was seen on a Dairy Queen drive through. I always keep my secret ice cream money in my underwear.

You should pay a…

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An open letter to Emmanuel Macron, President of France

Dear Pres. Macron,

The President of the United States, Donald Trump, has been invited for the celebration of Bastille Day, a day for celebrating democracy and independence of the French people.

As a citizen of the United States, I encourage you to revoke the invitation. Donald Trump does not represent the vast majority of the American people. As you have stated publicly, if the United States is not going to support science, you have offered US scientists the option of emigrating to France for the continuation of their studies on climate change.

Additionally, Donald Trump has made his nationalist and blatantly racist feelings known on multiple occasions, again something I know that you personally find offensive.

The majority of Americans would support the decision for France to revoke his invitation. Citizens of the United States need to take responsibility for removing their country from a position of influence on the world stage. Our previous president, Barack Obama, strived to be a …

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Safe Sex with Donald and Daisy

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald started to get romantic with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have any protection?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get any protection, they could not get romantic.

"Maybe they sell some supplies at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had any supplies.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"HECK No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

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SunFyre...words from a seated position

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