L.A. public pools don’t have lifeguards—[they] have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making?” and give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.
~ Craig Ferguson
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A commuter train from New York to Washington DC suddenly lost power and slowed down to a crawl.
The conductor comes on the intercom. "Good news and bad news.The bad news is we've lost power and are coming to a stop. The good news… You're on a train not an airplane."
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We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
~ Lew Schneider
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Summer has the dumbest names for holidays.
What day do we try to get everyone together? Independence Day.
What day does everyone have off work? Labor Day.
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A shepherd was teaching his apprentice
"Lad, how many sheep are in the field?"
After a moment the apprentice said "18".
"Well done, now round them up."
"20"
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Some people take up swimming for exercise so they will live longer.
Some people take up swimming just to live longer.
"20"
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Some people take up swimming for exercise so they will live longer.
Some people take up swimming just to live longer.
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