July 30, 2004... Friday Funnies

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market, called "beer," is used by females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

Students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted."

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people."

July 28, 2004... House Hunting

Kristen and I have been contemplating a move.  Our house is getting smaller by the day with two two-year-olds.  We've been trying to find the perfect house with all the amenities, but here's something we've never seen offered.  Kristen seemed strangely intrigued, but I'm not quite as interested.  Read the ad below, carefully.

I guess it's a good deal for $104,900.

On a somewhat different topic, I had a friend in college, Gonzo, who did a lot of marijuana.  He warned me about smoking pot, and said it makes you see the world with scary clarity. 

For example, he was convinced that virtually every television show an certainly every commercial contained at least one penis.  He was convinced that all television was phallic in nature.  He said that unless I want to start seeing penises everywhere I shouldn't start smoking. 

I thought he was just paranoid and a little stoned, but then, innocently watching the weather channel, I started to believe Gonzo.

July 26, 2004... Write Your Name in the Snow

Now you can write your name in the snow and send it to your friends via pee-mail!

July 24, 2004... Angelina Jolie update

A loyal SunFyre reader sent another picture, this one is a close up of the tiger.  You can see in the photo how Angelina Jolie's nude back is quite red from what looks like hours of tattooing.  Thanks to Eric F.

July 23, 2004... Friday Funnies

I was recently returning home from a trip out of town, and I stopped at one of those rest areas on the side of the road to relieve myself. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall...

"Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but the silence was deafening so I finally managed, "Not bad............?"

Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"

Now this is getting a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm on my way back home from the beach."

Then I hear the person, all flustered, say: "Look, I'll call you back ------ every time I ask you a question this weirdo in the next stall keeps answering me!"

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"

God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you."

July 19, 2004... Spiderman 2

One of my favorite movies is Spiderman, which honestly I thought would be kind of stupid.  I read a few Spiderman comics as a kid, but was always more of a Batman kind of guy.  Anyhow, that's why I missed Spiderman in the theaters.

Not wanting to make the same mistake twice, I saw Spiderman 2 with Kristen last night.  She typically hates comic book movies, but even she loved it.

All the reviews I've read said something like "better than the original".  I liked the original better but this is a very good film.  It's definitely worth $15 plus popcorn!

I can also see why some would think it's even better.  The visual effects are far better.  A couple scenes in Spiderman looked computer generated.  Obviously they used computers in the sequel, but the scenes in Spiderman 2 were absolutely seamless.

One other improvement was that it had more of a comic feel.  Stan Lee was a master comic book artist and they captured his look even better this time.  The photo to the right could have been a frame from the original comic. 

I'm being extremely picky when I say I enjoyed Spiderman 1 better, because they were very close.  My main reason was the villain.  I enjoyed the Green Goblin better than Dr. Octavius.

Kudos to the sequel however for not creating a "Son of Green Goblin" which would have been easy to do after the first movie.   But they didn't let the "Spiderman killed my father" storyline die either.  It was nicely woven into the sequel.

One cinematic element was repeated.  Once again we get to look at Kirsten Dunst in a tight fitting outfit during a rainstorm.  She's one of my top 10 most beautiful women in the world, and she looks amazing again. She inspired me to  create a Kirsten Dunst Photo Gallery.

One last comment, one of my favorite characters from both movies is J. Jonah Jameson.  Played by J.K. Simmons with hair, he's fantastic comic relief.  I love how he intertwines the silly-ness of comic book world to the "real" world.  (I.e. "Guy named Otto Octavius with 8 limbs. What are the odds?")

July 16, 2004... Friday Funnies

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had.

With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

Two sisters were given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."

July 15, 2004... The Cost of Sex

I've never paid for sex.  Well, at least I've never left cash on the dresser for her to pick up afterwards.  But, we all pay. 

Finally, we can get a scientifically accurate calculation of the cost of having sex with our girlfriends or wives.  Visit www.costofsex.com.

It's scary, I took the test.  I even let Kristie give me the answers so I couldn't exaggerate.  My total cost, just slightly over $536 per shag!

I ran Windows XP until recently, then Microsoft cent me and advance copy of Windows Ver. 19.194 for my evaluation and review.  I love it!  All the features!  And the eye candy! Check out this interactive demo.

Who says there isn't Art in Porn?

July 14, 2004... Rain, Rain Go Away and Please Come Back... No F@CK OFF

It's been raining for three days almost continuously.  Monday it rained from the time I woke up until after I was asleep.  Tuesday, scattered showers, and today we had four thunderstorms.

I'm getting a little testy.

July 12, 2004... Addicted to "Trading Spaces"

Kristie is handicapped.  She had knee surgery on Wednesday to repair torn cartilage and a misaligned kneecap.  They expected her to be laid up for three or four days after the cartilage repair.  They didn't expect the kneecap issue, so she woke up after surgery and found out she needs crutches for four to six weeks.  This is why the twins went on vacation without us. She needs physical therapy four times a week.

So the kids left Friday and by Sunday I think Kristie had watched about 30 hours of Trading Spaces and other TLC shows.  By Monday she's upset because she's starting to see the same episodes repeated.  Granted, that hasn't stopped her from watching them.

I watched a few.  I actually like home improvement shows, and I secretly have a little crush on Paige Davis, the host.  She's cute, has a nice body, and seems like she has a brain in her head.  Most of those hosts are dorky one-liner-throwing Ryan Seacrest wannabes.  But, Paige Davis is actually the kind of person I'd like to hang out with.

So anyhow, I'm searching for a cute photo or two of Paige Davis and what do I find but four pictures of Paige Davis from Trading Spaces dancing half naked for money. I have no idea what the story is behind these, but I'd love to hear it!  Maybe I'll write to her and ask. Well, if nothing else, she's earned my admiration for being a throng-in-a-skirt woman. I left the original logo on them from the guy who stole them first, but he doesn't have any more information so don't bother going to his site.

July 11, 2004... I'm not voting Democrat anymore!

I read this sad story in the news this morning...

43 Die in Sudan Road Accident

KHARTOUM: Forty-three people were killed, including five members of a family, when a car collided with a bus in southern Sudan setting both vehicles on fire, police said on Friday.

Thirty-eight passengers on on the bus were killed, while 16 others were badly injured. The car driver lost control after hitting a donkey and crashed head on into the bus.

The accident occurred on Thursday at Um Rawabah, 300 kilometres south of the Sudanese capital, on the highway from Khartoum to El-Obeid, the police said.

Ok, you may be wondering what this has to do with voting Democrat?  Well, Democrats are donkeys, donkeys cause collisions in Africa, and I don't want to elect anyone who has such devastating foreign relations policies.  Hey, I'm a guy who sticks to the issues.

July 9, 2004... I'm not voting Republican anymore!

My children went on vacation today.  Kristen and I couldn't go, but we didn't want them to miss out, so they left for the North Carolina beach this morning.  (Long story for another day.)

Anyhow, the twins are going on vacation with Grandma, Pap,  Aunt Jennifer, Uncle Vincent, Aunt Jill, Uncle Dalitso, Aunt Kate, Aunt Hope, and the other Aunt Jill.  The first leg of the trip was 4 1/2 hours with Grandma and Uncle Dalitso to Richmond, Virginia to pick up Aunt Jennifer and Uncle Vincent and their freaky looking dog. (A short dog for another day.) 

In the twins' short life, the longest trip previously had been just under three hours, and they napped the entire trip.  They were only 16 months old.  Now, at 26 months, we had no idea how long they'd sleep, and how they'd react afterwards.  They left around 1:30, just before naptime.

So what does this have to do with voting? President George W. Bush was in my county campaigning today.  He did a brief three stop road trip pushing, among other things, for a constitutional ban on gay marriage.  I guess he figured he'd hit volatile Berks County, Pennsylvania where we have an eclectic blend of Amish, Blacks, Latinos, Vietnamese, WASPs, and an oversized handfull of White Supremacists. (Another topic for another day.)

Anyhow, my mother (a.k.a. Grandma Prudy) headed southeast out of town and was stuck in traffic for over an hour because they were expecting the presidential motorcade.  She turned around and left town headed southwest this time, hitting yet another presidential roadblock.

I had a business appointment canceled because the person couldn't travel around a roadblock to the East of us either.  Between 1:00 and about 4:00 p.m. three Pennsylvania Counties and stretches of roads for at least 70 miles were completely jammed.  Most of us live here to avoid traffic jams.

President Bush spoke to a bunch of Republicans, and about seven Democrats, and probably earned a few votes.  I wonder, however, how many votes did he lose stuck in traffic?

Anyhow, about 7 1/2 hours after the twins hit the road, they arrived safely in Virginia.  They were kept happy by stopping at McDonald's.  Hmmm, Bill Clinton's favorite restaurant, coincidence??  I think not.

July 8, 2004... Angelina Jolie gets a new tattoo.

Actress Angelina Jolie is seen getting a tattoo of a tiger from a Thai tattoo artist Sompong Kanphai during her visit to Bangkok on July 8, 2004. Angelina Jolie, who was in Thailand after her visit to Cambodia, got the 8 inch wide by 12 inch long tiger tattoo on her lower back. Picture taken July 8, 2004. REUTERS

I'm not sure why a new tattoo is newsworthy, but it's a cool picture so it's SunFyre worthy.

Angelina Jolie is one of my personal favorite actors.  I think my interest in her goes back to the HBO movie, Gia. Besides the fact she's incredibly sexy and looks as good nude as she does clothed, she also has a unique personality.  Just unconventional enough to make her even sexier.

Then she started with Billy Bob Thornton and things went down hill.  I'm not blaming him, he's a talented actor, and just weird and ugly enough to make Angelina more interesting. It made every guy like me (only slightly better looking than Billy Bob) think we had a chance at dating a woman like that.

Next thing you know, she's divorcing him, flying to third-world countries, and practically adopting them.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for rich people and famous people saving the world, but she's taking her crusade into weirdness.

The last couple interviews with her that I've seen have been her ranting nonsense-ically. She literally talked about Cambodia, Billy Bob, drinking blood, and Buddhism in one long drifting sentence.

She almost reminded me of Courtney Love, without the heroin eyes.  Anyhow, I hope she gets her stuff together, because she's got talent, beauty, and a little charisma left.

Anyhow, I created SunFyre's Angelina Jolie page with a larger version of the tiger tattoo photo, complete with my Top 10 Angelina Jolie Movies and an Angelina Jolie Photo Gallery.  Enjoy.