September 24, 2004... Friday Funnies

from Sunfyre Reader Betsey in Florida...

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows, "decking the roof")

9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)

8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"

6. Family coming to stay with you

5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling

4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities

3. Days off from work and school

2. Candles

And the #1 reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas....

At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

From loyal SunFyre reader Mandarin...

September 22, 2004... CBS Fined $550,000 for Jackson Stunt

By Jennifer C. Kerr, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON - Federal regulators on Wednesday fined CBS a record $550,000 for Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction," which exposed the singer's breast during this year's Super Bowl halftime show.

The Federal Communications Commission voted unanimously to slap each of the 20 CBS-owned television stations with the maximum indecency penalty of $27,500. The total penalty of $550,000 is the largest fine levied against a television broadcaster. Most of the FCC's bigger fines have been against radio stations.

"As countless families gathered around the television to watch one of our nation's most celebrated events, they were rudely greeted with a halftime show stunt more fitting of a burlesque show," said FCC Chairman Michael Powell. "The show, clearly intended to push the limits of prime time television."

The commission decided not to fine CBS' more than 200 affiliate stations, which also aired the show but are not owned by the network's parent company, Viacom.

The two Democrats on the 5-member commission said the fine should have been higher. Commissioner Jonathan Adelstein said the fine amounted to a "slap on the wrist" and suggested that the agency could have sent a stronger message about indecency by reprimanding CBS' affiliates as well.

MTV, a Viacom subsidiary, produced the Feb. 1 halftime show, which featured Jackson and singer Justin Timberlake performing a racy duet. At the end, Timberlake ripped off a piece of Jackson's black leather top, exposing her right breast to a TV audience of about 90 million.

Timberlake blamed a "wardrobe malfunction," and CBS was quick to apologize to viewers. The breast-baring song generated a record number of complaints to the FCC — more than 500,000.

CBS said it was extremely disappointed with the decision.

"While we regret that the incident occurred and have apologized to our viewers, we continue to believe that nothing in the Super Bowl broadcast violated indecency laws," the network said in a statement. "Furthermore, our investigation proved that no one in our company had any advance knowledge about the incident."

Viacom has said it will fight any fines leveled against its stations for the Jackson performance. Over the summer, Viacom co-president Leslie Moonves said a fine would be "grossly unfair" and promised a court challenge.

Federal law bars radio and non-cable television stations from airing references to sexual and excretory functions between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m., when children may be tuning in. Once a complaint is made to the FCC, the agency determines whether the broadcast was indecent.

Within days of the Jackson incident, lawmakers on Capitol Hill began grumbling about smut on TV, and both houses passed legislation — still pending in Congress — that would raise indecency fines. The House has voted to raise the maximum indecency fine to $500,000. The Senate voted to increase the top fine to $275,000 per indecent incident, with a cap of $3 million per day.

The FCC launched a crackdown on indecency soon after the Super Bowl, resulting in several high-profile fines. Among them: a $755,000 fine against Clear Channel for graphic drug and sex talk on a "Bubba the Love Sponge" radio program and a record $1.75 million fine, also against Clear Channel, for indecency complaints against Howard Stern and other radio personalities.

Television networks also began taking pre-emptive action by implementing broadcast delays so censors could scrub anything deemed too racy. CBS, for example, aired the Grammy awards ceremony a week after the Super Bowl with a five-minute delay. More recently, the NFL kicked off its season with a live, pregame show on ABC that was aired with a 10-second delay.

My two cents -- Half a million for one boob is expensive.  And I thought Al's Diamond Cabaret was expensive at $20.00 cover charge.

Seriously, I have two positions. 

First, I think a fine at all is ridiculous.  Not because the FCC shouldn't enforce obscenity codes, but they should enforce them as originally intended.

CBS was fined nationwide, but Janet Jackson's little stunt wasn't indecent nationwide.  In New York City, they show nudity on cable television after midnight.  In New Orleans, quick flashes of breasts are commonplace.  In some communities, the breast exposure certainly is indecent, and legitimate complaints should be enforced.  CBS affiliates in these markets should have been fined.

The report said 500,000 complaints were filed, but I find that hard to digest.  Millions watched the Super Bowl, and most of them were grabbing a snack or taking a long beer-induced pee.  My estimate is maybe a couple million were even watching halftime, a couple million may have caught a glimpse of Janet's breast.  Most of them probably said "was that... nah... couldn't have been".  A few people with big screen televisions saw it and said "holy cow" or some equally brilliant expletive.  And maybe a couple hundred of those people were even extremely offended.  Fact is, history shows, that out of about 10,000 people offended at something on television, one or two will call the Federal Communications Commission and actually complain.

I was in college when Axl Rose used the flying F-word during a live Grammy award acceptance speech.  It was plain as day, and it was the late '80s and we were far more conservative on television at that time.  Millions watched, millions heard, and many, many were offended.  Approximately a few dozen formal complaints were filed. (I'm searching for the actual number currently.)

However, while few complaints were filed, decency on television became a hot topic on the talk shows and news shows and religious shows.  Our almost-a-first-lady, Tipper Gore started the Parents Music Resource Center which tried to require record ratings and lyric inserts.

Since then, these groups have grown and organized, and were able to turn in 500,000 complaints about an elegantly shielded nipple.

This whole event was simply an opportunistic chance for ultra-conservatives to push their value system on all of America.  I'm not saying I want breasts being exposed during football games, although I'm not against it, I simply would prefer football stays football.  I'm just not willing to condone using Janet's boobs to meet political agendas.

Fine the CBS affiliates in markets where the behavior is considered offensive by the general population, as the obscenity acts originally were written an intended.

Here's my second position... thankfully a shorter one.  The fines ($27,500 per station) weren't enough.  If the FCC is going to take a position, then take one.  Hit them hard.  Don't put them out of business, but make it not worth their while to continue the behavior.  Fine them enough to wipe out advertising revenue for the event.  The Super Bowl, and CBS, earned millions for every 30 second commercial.  If you, the FCC, insist on this ridiculous fine, please make an appropriate decision.  Maybe $50,000,000 would suffice.  That would insure no more boobies on television for several years to come.

Indecently,

SunFyre

September 15, 2004... An old friend.

I was walking last night and saw my old van.  I had a 1990 Ford van until about four years ago.  I loved it.  I'd spent literally everything I had on it.  My payments were $429 a month for five years, which was more than my rent.

I know most people aspire to a Mustang or Porsche or even Ferrari, but if you are in a wheelchair, you tend to look at big conversion vans.  It had a television, VCR, wood trim, interior mood lighting and a huge 5.8 liter V-8 engine.

Anyhow, about four years ago the engine started failing.  I took it to several mechanics who couldn't explain why it would stall at intersections or not start at all.  I couldn't depend on it outside of my home town, so decided a new vehicle was necessary.

It takes about six months to get a vehicle customized for a wheelchair user.  I had a wheelchair lift and tie-downs installed in our new Chevy van.  The van wasn't quite as attractive, and had less whistles and bells, but it was more affordable.  A new Ford van would have been $500+ a month.  We were able to lease the Chevy for $389.

Two things bother me.  My lease is almost up, and now I have to actually purchase the Chevy as a used vehicle.  It will cost me just under $10,000 to buy my own car.

The other thing, is I found a buyer for the Ford, actually someone from my neighborhood.  A woman who owns a group home for mentally retarded people purchased it to transport her residents, one of which was in a wheelchair.

About a month before I sold her the van, my neighbor told me about her "absolutely amazing mechanic" who should look at my van.  I took the Ford to him, and $600 later, he had completely fixed the engine problem.  He found a combination of four inexpensive parts were causing the van to run poorly and idle improperly.  The van, the day it left my ownership, my trusty Ford van ran better than ever.

Now, my 1990 Ford van is still running.  About once a week it drives past my house, and I think about my past four years of payments, and the many years of payments to come.

I went to the FordDirect website, and I'm dreaming again.

September 14, 2004... Philadelphia Expands Free Wireless Web Access Zone

PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - Philadelphia expanded free outdoor wireless Internet access on Tuesday as part of a multimillion-dollar plan to connect the entire city by early 2006.

It is the first major U.S. city to start a citywide wireless Internet project, although some smaller communities already have such networks, said Dianah Neff, a city spokeswoman and head of the wireless project.

The expansion offers Web access to users of WiFi-enabled computers and devices within a radius of about a mile from the first so-called hot spot -- downtown's Love Park, where the project originated earlier this year.

"It will have a huge impact on the perception of Philadelphia as a 21st-century city and a progressive place," Mayor John Street told a news conference.

A city-led task force is talking with business groups and schools to expand the wireless area elsewhere in the city. It aims to complete its plan by early December and invite bids from Internet service providers and equipment suppliers by February next year, Neff said.

If suppliers sign contracts by early 2005, the citywide network could be operating within a year, Neff said. The estimated initial cost of the project is $7 million to $10 million.

My two cents - Imagine the fifth largest city in America with completely free Internet access.  If cities provided Internet access in this way, it would dramatically reduce the cost per computer user.  I'd love to dump my $35/month DSL bill with Verizon, but my only alternative is $50/month for Comcast Cable Internet.  They are estimating $7-$10 million to start.  With five million people in Philadelphia, that's only about $1.40 to $2.00 per person.  That's a wireless Internet network for less than $0.20 per month.

I've heard a little bit of crying by Verizon and others about using "taxpayer money" but, if they can provide Internet access to an entire city for less than $1.00 per month, let's listen.  Until then, go away.  The people who own Wi-Fi ready computers and devices are probably among the highest income tax payers in the community.  They easily would fund the project completely with their savings on high-speed Internet service as soon as they can dump Verizon or Comcast. 

If you could dump Verizon or Comcast you could save between $420 and $600 per year.  Last year I only paid $360 in local income taxes.  They could literally double local income tax and I'd still save money.

I'm not one that says "eliminate capitalism, let's all go socialist", but at the heart of capitalism is competition.  If the phone company and cable company can't come close to competing with local government, something is wrong.  Both Verizon or Comcast could afford to build these networks without any problem.  They pay their CEOs more than that.  (As of 2002, Ivan Seidenberg, Verizon CEO earned $4.0 million, and Brian L. Roberts, Comcast CEO earned $7.2 million, including bonuses for both.  Source: Forbes)

Furthermore, the same executives who are against using "taxpayer money" to build the network are most likely going to bid on the project.  I'd like to see exactly how many dollars of "taxpayer money" both Verizon and Comcast have acquired from local, city, and federal governments.

Just for the record, I am a Verizon customer, I'm not against the company.  They give me a decent, albeit expensive, long distance/local telephone plan that includes DSL Internet.  I'm no longer a Comcast customer because I switched to Dish Network about a year ago when my Comcast cable bill rose to $86.00 monthly (without Internet access).  I have more channels, including HBO and Cinemax for $63.00.  Dish also doesn't charge an equipment rental fee for the television remote control!

September 12, 2004... Celebrity Sighting

Wow, I never knew an innocent trip to McDonald's would be so exciting.  Ainsley got to get up close and personal with her very first major celebrity.  She was a little awe struck, but presented herself like a professional.

Kristen, Aunt Lisa and I rolled into the parking lot, and there was already a strange buzz in the air.  We failed to notice the sign below the Golden Arches that simply read "Today at 5, Ronald McD"  Who would have expected that the local Exeter McDonald's would have the CEO on hand?!

Ainsley got his autographed photo, an awesome new hat, and posed for a picture with Ronald McDonald. Clearly she was excited to meet "The Big Red Afro".

We asked Jason Andrew if he wanted to take a picture with Ronald, but he simply replied, "No clown... French fries please."

Ainsley is actually the shy one in our family.  I didn't expect she'd go within five yards of Ronald McDonald.  Frankly, even I'm a little afraid of clowns.

There is one bonus to having children that I didn't expect.  When I was growing up, and right on through adulthood, it seems like every clown in the world was convinced the kid in the wheelchair needed cheering up.  I've had more balloon animals and round rubber noses pushed in my face than anyone else I know.  Literally I've been walking through malls and taken a wide berth simply to avoid a clown, and had them chase me down.

Something about putting on a giant fake smile seems to make people want to look for the depressed and downtrodden and cheer them up.  But not all kids in wheelchairs are depressed, actually very few are depressed.  Secondly, if the kid is depressed and sad, perhaps dying of cancer at age twelve do you really think that a clown will fix him up.  "Oh God, why me... hey... just a minute, a clown made me a cool balloon doggy... life is terrific... and I'm so happy!"

Maybe it was just Ronald, but with the twins there, he kind of ignored me, which I liked.  He was a pretty cool clown.

Words of advice to clowns: Just go out, juggle, twist balloons, ride your unicycle and be happy.  If a crowd gathers around and decides to be happy with you, enjoy that.  Don't however make it your mission to save souls.  Just make your world a little happier, and you are making the whole world a little happier.

SunFyre

September 11, 2004... Moving Ever Forward

I've been thinking for about a week about the third anniversary of September 11th.  I've been trying to decide how to honor/remember/reflect on the events of that Tuesday.  At first I struggled, then it came to me.  I'm doing nothing, absolutely nothing.  I'm not turning a terrorist achievement into a national holiday.  I'm not stopping my life.  I'm not watching television about old events.  For those who've lost friends and family, I'm sorry.  However I'm not dedicated a single further moment of my life to terrorism.  Every moment giving in thought of Osama and his brethren is wasted moments of my life.

I stole a little graphic from iwon.com and will leave it in a place of prominence on my home page for the rest of September.  I'll never forget, like any of us could if we wanted to, but I'm no longer spending any of my life being affected by these terrorist events.

There are  294,243,892 people in America today.  The events of September 11th affected virtually every one of us.  Roughly 3,000 Americans died that day, but many many more died too.

Here's the math...

294,243,892 people in America today times an average of 3 days spent watching news coverage and crying following the tragedy comes to...

882,731,676 days of American lives lost forever divided by 365 days in a year is...

2,418,443 years of American lives spent divided by 80 years average lifespan is...

30,231 lifetimes worth of Americans lost just in the first three days.

If each of us spends only five minutes today, that's over 1.47 billion minutes, over 24.5 million hours, 1.02 million days, 2799 years, or about 35 American lifetimes spent thinking about Osama Bin Laden and his deeds.  As of the end of this sentence... he's not stealing even five more minutes from me!

Here's what I'm doing today... a typical Saturday of my life, the rest of my life.

Kristen had to work, so my Aunt Lisa is visiting and helping me with the twins.  We walked to see "The Ducks" at the little pond in our neighborhood.    Along the way, I watched a few minutes of pee-wee football, the first day of the League practice is today.

At the duck pond, five or six guys had these awesome remote control power boats.  They were about four feet long and incredibly fast.  They were also incredibly loud, so Jason Andrew wasn't very happy with them. 

We wandered down to the far end of the duck pond. Another man was their with his three children, the youngest around two, like our twins.  He had some bread, and was feeding the ducks.  He gave the twins some.  They loved feeding them.

I thought about taking a picture of the kids feeding the ducks, with the "Please Don't Feed the Wildlife" sign in the background, but I forgot to take the camera.  I would have called the photo "Dangers of Illiteracy".

We walked home and I noticed a yard sale down the street.  I'm kind of a sucker for a bargain, so I asked Lisa to walk down further.  They had a bunch of toys, mostly stuff too old for our kids, but I bought a Fisher-Price parking garage for $1.00.  Jason Andrew wasn't impressed, but Ainsley liked putting her dolls in the elevator.

I started talking with the woman holding the sale, and she had a two-year old too.  She brought Maggie out to meet our twins.  I asked the woman, Kelly, when was Maggie's birthday.  She said, "May 2nd".  I couldn't believe it, the same day as our twins.  Maggie, Jason, and Ainsley were all born within four hours in the same hospital.

The kids got a new/old parking garage, and a new friend.  I invited Kelly and Maggie to come visit some afternoon this week.

We came home and had pizza for lunch, then we colored on the sidewalk with chalk.  We were all getting tired so we sang Row, Row, Row your Boat and No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed before naptime.

The kids are sleeping now.  I'm going to hang out with my Aunt for a little while, then we are going to McDonald's for supper.  Later I'll watch the Penn State game.

This is a great way to spend any September Saturday.

SunFyre

P.S.  Email me and tell me how you spend your Saturday, September 11th.  Even if you disagree with how I'm spending mine.  I'd love to hear your opinions.

September 10, 2004... More Friday Funnies... Problems with Authority

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.  So I called him a pencil-necked-nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

A cop was patrolling at night in a well known spot for "parking." He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by
this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.

"Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugged, "I believe she's knitting a pullover."

The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 22, sir."

"And her, what's her age?

The young man looks at his watch and said, "She'll be eighteen, in 20 minutes."

While I was driving down the road yesterday, only 10 mph over the speed limit, when I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop said "What... a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 feet wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."

The ticket - - $ 95.00....      The look on his face - - PRICELESS

September 9, 2004... Just Another Distraction

I work out of my house.  Today was a particularly busy day, because we had a teleseminar, and last minute registrations were flowing.

I have a personal assistant, as well as a nanny, and of course the twins.  I'm sitting at my desk when I hear our nanny, Lisa, shriek "ewwwwww".  Then she comes and grabs my assistant, Arie, and pulls her into the living room.  I hear another loud "ewwww" followed shortly by both kids echoing the same "ewww".

Then they all stumble into the office, and tell me my cat is drooling. 

I have this cat, a beautiful short-hair tiger, named Mindy.  I like her because she's smarter than the other two cats, generally, and she's exceptionally clean.  You never see matted fur under her belly or clumps of cat litter in her paws.  She'll vomit the occasional hair-ball, but that's normal.  Oh, and she drools when she sleeps.  Normally it's just a drop or two, but when she's sleeping very deeply, I guess she produces bonus drool.

I was trying to get back to work, so I told Lisa and Arie, if it impressed them so much, they should take a picture.  Big Mistake!

Today she's sleeping on a pile of mail.

Let's take a closer look...

Too close... a little too close.

September 8, 2004... Greater Mifflinburg Travel Log

Normally when I travel I keep a travel log.  And when I visit incredibly interesting places I take SunFyre readers right along with me.  You get a blow-by-blow account of traveling in a seated position.

Last year I gave you NASCAR racing in Dover and New Orleans Convention pictures, and a graphic display of Hurricane Isabel's destruction. 

This year you don't get so lucky.  I had plans to go to an Indycar race in Richmond, Virginia, but Kristen injured her knee and required surgery two days before we were scheduled to leave.  We normally go to Cape May every Labor Day, but this year Kristen's cousin was getting married.  My sister is getting married in October so you might get a tour of Egg Harbor City, New Jersey, if you get lucky.

So, in order that you don't feel completely neglected, you're going to be treated to a painfully detailed trip to "cousin Steve's" wedding in beautiful Mifflinburg, Pennsylvania.  Why would I bore you, my loyal readers?  Because, if I had to go... so do you!

First, let's get on the highway.  Take Interstate 76 West about 60 miles from Reading to the Harrisburg East exit.  The first two pictures show you the first hour and a half of my trip.  The top picture shows me looking forward from my wheelchair tie-downs which attach my wheelchair to the floor of my Chevy Van. 

The top picture shows Kristen driving, and simultaneously looking at me and the twins in her mirror.  This makes me very nervous because I can see her eyes and know they aren't on the road.  She's smiling in the picture because I haven't opened my "back-seat-driving" mouth yet.  About 30 seconds after this was taken, I'm yelling for her to watch the road as we drift over the rumble strips along the edge. 

The second photo is what I get out of my window at 70 miles per hour.  I can't see out of the right window because it's blocked by my wheelchair lift.

The final picture is taken by Kristen from her perspective.  Don't ask how she turned around to take it while driving, it was frightening.  That's me in the middle and Ainsley asleep face down.  Jason Andrew is in his seat behind me.

I tried to get a picture of the totally hot toll-booth attendant that works at the Harrisburg East exit, but I guess she wasn't working that day.  It occurred to me that they are extremely well paid Drive-Thru fast food workers. They earn $15-$20 an hour with excellent benefits, while the teenager at Taco Bell gets $6.25.  Sure the toll-booth workers have to work in every type of weather, but they don't have to offer anyone hot or mild sauce.

Finally as we traveled Route 15 North of Harrisburg we started to get into more interesting scenery.  Apparently many Native Americans still live here and make hand made items like their forefathers their and forefathers before their forefathers.  Genuine fireworks, turquoise jewelry and collectibles were just a few miles ahead.  Funny, I don't recall turquoise mines in Pennsylvania, but I'm not an Indian either.

I could see the Trading Post in the distance and just knew there was fun to be had.  But Kristen was driving and she had a mission.  No, stopping.  I tried the old, "I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, and I have to Pee" routine, to no avail.

Labor Day weekend is not only a big travel weekend, but it's considered among bikers in the Northeast as the last chance for a good-weather long distance ride.  We probably saw over a hundred motorcycles, many traveling in groups of three or four.  Some had these gigantic bikes with huge saddlebags and some even towed trailers.  Jason Andrew shouted "motorcycle, vroooom" after every one he saw.  It was really cute, for about the first twenty.  I'm hearing "motorcycle, vroooom" in my sleep now.

We got off on Route 104 just a little north of Liverpool, Pennsylvania.  It's a little town about two miles long and two blocks wide.  There's a antique shop, a hardware store, and a couple other buildings that looked interesting.  I looked at Kristen in the mirror and saw the determination in her eyes.  "We're making excellent time, George!"

Along Route 104 we clicked this picture of Bob's Cruisers Café.  It's an old renovated Texaco Station complete with Coca-Cola signage and Hershey's Ice Cream.  It looks like a fun place for a snack, but I didn't think it was open, which seemed strange for a late Saturday morning.  I did ask Kristen where we were, and she said, "at 104 and that main road, you know, the one that runs right through that little town, where they have that little place to eat".  No wonder no one from outside Snyder County ever finds anything there. 

The "main road" was only a two lane with a dashed yellow line.  Locals call these highways because the speed limit is above 35.  We got in traffic approaching Middleburg, PA.  I thought it was rush hour in rural country, but it was just a extra wide piece of farm machinery driving about 25 miles per hour.  People were passing one-at-a-time.  A mini-van almost got creamed right in front of us.  The van pulled out to pass, and the farm machine crossed the center line to avoid hitting an Amish guy on a bicycle, and ran the mini-van well off the road.  Sorry I didn't get a picture.

We arrived in Mifflinburg at lunch time and ate with Kristen's parents.  They had "barbecue" which to the rest of civilization is called Sloppy Joes.  We also had a Pennsylvania Dutch vegetable known as baked corn.  It's kind of a egg custard souffle with fresh corn-off-the-cob.  It's actually pretty good, but I still prefer my vegetables green and steamed.

The wedding was 4:00 at First Evangelical Lutheran Church.  There is about five churches in Mifflinburg and about four bars; it makes for a good sin/sanctity ratio.  All five churches are on the same street, kind of like fast food restaurants.

We changed for the wedding.  I wore black slacks with a white shirt and a conservative silk tie.  I went pretty casual, because I expected, even though it was an evening wedding, to be relatively casual.  Kristen wore a sexy flowered peasant top and a black skirt.  She looked nice, but extremely casual.  She told me that I was over-dressed.  I disagreed.

She was right.  I only saw two other men with ties.  Both were over 60 and had black suits with narrow black ties that were probably from the '60s.  These guys had two suits, the wedding suit, and the funeral suit.  The wedding suits must have been at the cleaners.

I saw three adults in shorts, at least a dozen in tee-shirts.  Kristen's cousin Shawn, who always wears a faded greasy red baseball cap decided to dress up.  He had on a shiny new blue NASCAR cap.

I couldn't take many pictures during the ceremony, but snapped a couple without the flash.  One of the pictures revealed the best-dressed person, or so I thought.  She arrived completely nude and sat in the center about four rows ahead of me.

Actually she had on an attractive black strapless dress.  But, I thought the picture above and blow-up to the right were kind of funny.

The wedding was pretty normal.  It was the second marriage for the bride and first for "cousin Steve".  Her two sons were in the wedding and their eight-month-old daughter was the flower girl.  The ring bearer pulled her down the aisle in a little red wagon.  I've been to lots of weddings, but that was a first for me.  She was really cute.

Speaking of flower girls, Sunday morning we went to church with Kristen's parents and saw the little girl who was our flower girl.  Now she's 17, and driving, and I'm feeling extremely old.  I probably wouldn't have recognized her except she's the only woman of Asian descent in that church.  Here's then-and-now pictures.  It's amazing how much she's aged and I don't look a day older!

The wedding reception was okay.  It was at Mifflinburg's finest dining establishment, Carriage Corner.  More Pennsylvania Dutch food was on the buffet.  Ham with  "filling" ("stuffing" to the rest of us) and gravy, or chicken with filling and gravy.  The vegetable was, you guessed it, baked corn.  Kristen's dad was convinced they'd used store bought corn rather than locally grown corn.  It tasted yellow to me.

They came to the part where you throw the bouquet, and about six women were dragged kicking and screaming onto the dance floor.  They literally through the bouquet three times until someone caught it.  The first two times they all dodged it like Bill Buckner.  The third time was only the charm because the DJ was threatening "we'll be here all night" and it hit one girl right in the chest.  Her catch was primarily self-defense.

Thank goodness for spiked punch.  It made everything a little less painful.

My wife and I sent the kids home early with her parents, and checked into the local Best Western in Lewisburg.  It's actually a pretty nice place, the nicest for 50 miles or so, but that's not saying much.  Kristen and I have stayed there about half a dozen times.  The first times were all before we were married.  We got married in Lewisburg and came every other week to complete wedding arrangements and have pre-marriage counseling with the minister.  Pre-marriage counseling doesn't put you in a sexy mood, so my previous experiences in that hotel primarily focused around Free HBO.

My requirement for attending "cousin Steve's" wedding was that the kids stay with Grandma, and rather than Grandma's fold-out sofa, we get to stay at a comfortable hotel and have some comfortable hotel sex.

Kristen wanted to leave early from the reception, most of her family left before the drinking started, so I got all ready for my reward.  I was feeling a little full from having baked corn twice in one day, but I figured a Gas-X and I'd be ready for sweet lovin'.  About five minutes after check-in, I'm told about Kristen's migraine.  She said "let me rest just for a few minutes" which turned into a night of her sleeping and me watching some documentary about Atlantic City hookers on HBO.  (BTW, I can now afford HBO, so free hotel HBO isn't nearly as fun as it used to be.)

The next day we got up early and went to the Country Cupboard for breakfast.  They have the best buffet in town, according to locals.  It's a Pennsylvania Dutch breakfast, which means scrambled eggs, biscuits with gravy, and about four kinds of meat.  No fruits, or vegetables, not even baked corn.  I guess if you have gravy daily, fiber isn't really necessary.

We went to church with Kristen's parents and the angels played on the pew with Jason Andrew.  Apparently they like fire trucks too.  I took this picture, almost by accident, and I think you can see the angels' glow.

Ok, it might be just under-exposed because I didn't use my flash, but have a little faith.

Church was nice.  I haven't been there for a while.  The pastor had a message that hit home and I liked him better than the previous pastors.  Unfortunately, he was only a substitute while the church is searching for a new pastor.  Considering he was a substitute, the class was pretty well behaved.

After church we took the kids to Wendy's for Chicken McFuggies.  After lunch Ainsley Grace informed Mommy that she needed to use the potty.  We've been waiting for her to re-start potty training after she quit about a month ago, so Mommy obliged.  Only to realize after Ainsley had her diaper removed, and she wasn't going to be successful, that Grandma had used the last diaper in the bag before church.  We had more diapers in the car, but none in the restroom.

Kristen figured she'd be ok for a few minutes, so she fixed her dress and Ainsley went commando until she got to the car.  Kristen brought her out and told us the situation, and we all gathered our bags and headed outside.  Ainsley often rides through the parking lots on the footrests of my wheelchair.  She sat down and it must have felt funny without her diaper because she stood up, hiked her skirt to her waist, and rubbed her bare bottom in the middle of Wendy's.  Then she sat down without adjusting her clothes, and I carried her out of the restaurant completely bare-assed.  It was hilarious, even though nobody seemed to notice.

Outside Kristen put a diaper on our little streaker, and buckled her into the car-seat.  Jason Andrew was playing in the parking lot stones, so we corralled him, and headed toward the van.  From outside the van you could almost see the aroma.  Apparently, Ainsley did need to use the potty.  She filled her diaper with something that we definitely couldn't have fed her. 

As a father of two-year-old twins believe me when I say this was poop of an absolutely amazing odor, weapons of mass destruction odor.  She did it perfect, however; 30 seconds after she'd been commando on my wheelchair, and two minutes before we were cruising down the turnpike at 70 miles per hour in an enclosed environment.

We began our trek back; the kids fell asleep immediately and napped the entire trip.  I survived my journey through the Susquehanna River Valley.

On the way home I noticed something else interspersed among the fundamentalist Christian churches, the Amish farmland, and the German eateries.  We passed about six adult book/video stores, and one absolutely scary looking leather/biker shop.  I took a picture of the one that looked the most inviting.  I looked at Kristen, and she looked at me, with those sexy "don't even think it" eyes.

We made excellent time, George.

September 7, 2004... Airplane's Toilet Ice Crashes Garden Party

Sep 6, 9:50 PM (ET) GRAZ, Austria (AP) - It was an inelegant intruder on a sunny afternoon: a chunk of ice from a jetliner toilet that broke free and slammed into an Austrian family's garden.

No one was injured when the ice tumbled from the sky Sunday afternoon in Graz, about 120 miles south of Vienna, authorities said. The fragment bore deep into the soil in the garden, where the unidentified family was enjoying a lazy summer afternoon.

Police said the 6-inch ice ball almost certainly came from an airliner toilet, judging from its blue color and its odor. They did not elaborate.

Holy-Ball-of-Frozen-CRAP, Batman!

September 3, 2004 ... THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Once again I've impressed myself with my vast intellect.  If you struggled through the above paragraph, try reading it again faster.  The faster you read it, the easier it becomes.

Well, I'm off to a wedding... have a great weekend.

SunFyre

September 2, 2004... Can you spot a fake British smile?

I ran across this quiz on the BBC website.  It's based on a BBC documentary about the differences between genuine and fake smiles.  Take the quiz and let me know your results.  I scored 13 out of 20, it's harder than it would appear.

Send me your pictures afterwards, some fake and some real smiles.  We will see if SunFyre readers can tell the difference!  I'll run a contest later this month and give something cool away if your picture tricks the most readers!

Click on "email SunFyre" in the top navigation box, and sent me your photos.  Put "fake smile" or "real smile" in the subject field so I don't think it's Spam.

SunFyre

September 1, 2004... Le SPAM

Today I got my first piece of French Spam.  No, not the delicious brand of canned meat product manufactured by Hormel, but an unsolicited email advertisement completely in French.  Believe it or not I almost clicked the link just to find out what I was supposed to be buying.  I'm unsure what it was but here's my top 10 guesses...

1. Le Viagra--to get improved Le Wood
2. Le Credit--unsecured Le Visa
3. Le OEM--software from Le Pirates
4. Le Vacation--free trips from Le Timeshares
5. Le Match--connecting Le Losers with other Le Losers
6. Le Porn--for men who are Le Married too long
7. Le Chatroom--for women who are Le Married too long
8. Le Diet--for people watching Le Carbs
9. Le Stock Tip--for those who play Le Market
10. Le MLM-- get rich Le Quick, not the same old Le Pyramid

Disclaimer: The above whining, and the incredibly artistic parody image I created, have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the delectable Hormel meat product known throughout the world as SPAM.