October 31, 2004... Happy Halloween

BOO!!

October 29, 2004... Halloween Jokes and Riddles on Friday Funnies

A frail elderly man lived in a nursing home.  He had a mean old nurse, Helga, who constantly threatened the residents if they made her do any more work than normal.

On this particular night, the man's grandchildren had visited him and brought him a ton of Halloween candy.  While chocolate often caused the man digestive problems, he couldn't resist enjoying it with his grandchildren, so he ate far more than he should have.

Around 10 p.m., he felt the effects.  He called the mean old nurse to help him to the bathroom, but she arrived to slowly and he left a bowel movement in his bed.  She glared at him with an I-hope-you're-satisfied look on her face as she changed the sheets.

And hour later, he needed her again.  This time she was even later, and his diarrhea was even worse.  She screamed at him, and told him if he had to change these sheets one more time before shift change at midnight, she beat him to unconsciousness, and tell his family he'd died falling.

At 10 minutes before midnight, the feeling came over him again, this time even more violently than before.  He immediately called the nurse.  He could hear her mumbling expletives as her feet slowly stomped down the hall.  Suddenly, perhaps from fear as much as chocolate, his bowels failed and he released more diarrhea then he ever had in his life, filling his sheets!

Not knowing what to do to prevent a beating, he quickly jumped up with the strength of a 20 year old, and grabbed his sheets.  He tossed them out the window, jumped back in bed, and covered up with blankets.  When the mean old nurse arrived, he simply said "Happy Halloween, Nurse Helga" She almost smiled as she slammed the door and left.

At the same time, a local drug was wandering from one watering hole to another.  As he walked past the nursing home, a huge pile of sheets fell on his head.  He'd fell over, punching and kicking, becoming more and more entangled in the soiled sheets.

A short time later, the drunk walked into a bar, smelling worse than normal.  The other bar flies saw him covered in feces.  They asked "What Happened!?"

He smiled proudly and said... "I just beat the shit out of the ghost!"

A few funny Halloween photos...

And a few funny Halloween riddles...

October 28, 2004... Best Halloween Costumes

It's almost Halloween and time for great Halloween costumes.  I'm holding a best Halloween custom contest.  The winner gets bragging rights, and maybe a biohazard sticker.

I'll give awards for the best adult Halloween costume, the best sexy Halloween costume, the best kid or baby costume, the best Halloween mask, the best couple costume, and the best Celebrity or history Halloween costume.

Send your Halloween pictures between now and November 15th and I'll add them all too this Halloween Costumes page.

Here's a few costume ideas to get you started.  Scroll your mouse over each circle to see a description of each costume.

October 27, 2004... Babe Ruth Curse Is Dead

I was at my sister's wedding weekend, and the night of the reception I watched the end of the Yankees-Red Sox game which the Yankees won 19-8 to go up 3-0 in the series.  I'm a Mets fan, so whenever the Mets are not in the playoffs, which is often, I cheer for my favorite underdog teams, the Red Sox and the Cubs.

After seeing the last six innings of that game, I knew Babe Ruth was alive and well.

Then something happened, what many would consider a baseball miracle.  In more than 100 years of baseball, playoff series or World Series had never seen a 0-3 team recover to win, and the Red Sox did it.

My favorite comment on the playoff series was John Stewart talking about how Curt Schilling said God was with him on the mound in Game 6.  John simply said, "Of course God was helping the Red Sox, his son, Jesus, plays centerfield."  Johnny Damon does look a little like Jesus.

I watched the seventh game in its entirety.  The Yankees looked broken.  It made me think Babe Ruth finally said "enough is enough".

The Red Sox took the first two games of the World Series at home, then went to St. Louis.  At first I was amazed at the number of Red Sox fans in the stands of Busch Stadium, but then I realized that the fans knew, if the Red Sox were going to win, they'd do it in the Cardinals stadium.  It would have been nice to see them win at home, but if the Series had gone six games, Babe probably would have been reinvigorated.

After the final game, a group of fans was parading around the stadium carrying a giant banner that truly said it all...

"We forgive Bill Buckner"

October 25, 2004... BIOHAZARD

Are you a bio hazard?

One of my businesses was selling merchandise on eBay.  People think it's cute that a guy in a wheelchair makes a little extra spending money selling stuff on eBay.  It's cute until I tell them that in 2002 I sold $120,000 worth of merchandise on eBay and over $80,000 in additional merchandise to Internet customers.  I sold licensed sports merchandise, including NASCAR mud flaps, NFL keychains, leather jackets, grandfather clocks and approximately 1200 silver piggy banks.  I also sold a South Seas Pearl necklace for $9,000 and two dump trucks for $40,000 and $16,000.

Well, today I logged back onto eBay as a seller for the first time since starting my new company with my father.  I'm Biohazard Warning Labels.  One of my old wholesalers sells them by the roll.  I bought 500 and want to see if people will buy them on eBay, and perhaps on SunFyre.

First, I'm going to run a contest.  I want to think of 100 pranks you can play using official Biohazard stickers.  Here's the first three I thought of...

• Slap one on your neighbor's trash bags and watch the trash truck keep on going.

• Should the office cubicle next to you be labeled a hazard?

• School lunch trays should definitely have these labels

If you think of another prank or good use for my new stickers, email it to me.  If I use it, I'll send you a FREE Biohazard sticker.  Send me the idea by email, along with your snail mail address, and get a free sticker.

If you just want to buy a couple from me you can get your Biohazard Warning Labels here for only $1.00 each, or 10 for five bucks.

October 24, 2004... America should use these cigarette warnings.

A European anti-smoking campaign may include photographic cigarette warnings on cigarette packages.  The warnings show potential side effects of smoking using graphic images.  I saw this report yesterday and I like the innovative thinking.  Unfortunately I think there are also drawbacks.  Read "my two cents" at the bottom.

By ALLECIA VERMILLION, Associated Press Writer

BRUSSELS, Belgium - The European Union unveiled a new anti-smoking campaign that calls on governments to put both horrific and humorous pictures on cigarette packs to deter people from smoking.

Among the 42 pictures is one grisly photo of a man with a cancerous growth on his neck. But most make only indirect allusions to the dangers of smoking, like a picture of a drooping cigarette meant to illustrate how smoking can cause impotence.

"People need to be shocked out of their complacency about tobacco," EU Health Commissioner David Byrne said.

The EU head office wants EU governments to require cigarette makers to display the photos on their products, hoping the images will have more force than written warnings now on packs of cigarettes, including "smoking kills" or "smoking can lead to a slow and painful death."

EU member states now use 14 written health warnings, which must cover at least a third of the packaging. So far, Ireland and Belgium have indicated they will require cigarette makers to use the photos, which should appear on packs next year.

Tobacco is the single largest cause of avoidable death in the 25-nation EU. The Commission said it accounts for over 650,000 deaths a year, or 15 percent of all deaths and 25 percent of all cancer deaths.

Byrne acknowledged the images might not dissuade adults — especially in Europe, where an estimated one-third smoke — but hopes they will resonate with teenagers. Studies indicate 80 percent of smokers have picked up the habit by age 15.

To catch the attention of teenagers, the campaign warns of long-term medical dangers, like cancer, and short-term effects, like bad skin and poor sexual performance.

Of one picture that shows a glum-looking couple sitting far apart in bed, Byrne said: "I think this one emphasizes there are some better things than smoking ... a lot better."

Participating EU countries can choose which images would resonate within their borders. Focus groups selected the 42 pictures from 2,100 proposals.

Canada has used similar graphics and warnings on cigarette packs since 2000, and studies indicate there has since been a slight decrease in smoking.

The warnings are central to a new $90 million media campaign to discourage European young people from smoking.

Byrne also called for all EU countries to enact bans on smoking in the workplace. He said Ireland's ban, which began in May, has caused 7,000 people to quit smoking and 10,000 to cut down the number of cigarettes they smoke.

---

My biggest concern is the collector value of the new packaging.  With 42 different anti-smoking photos, and hundreds of different cigarette brands, there are potentially thousands of different combinations.  I can see teenagers, at least American teenagers, collecting them the way I collected beer cans as a kid.  "Do you have a Marlboro Lights with Premature Heart Attack photo?!  Wanna trade?"

We've also seen a huge increase in the numbers of Internet searches for gory pictures and videos.  The cigarette brands would potentially show extremely graphic images.  Would these be a deterrent or encouragement for kids to attempt to obtain these packs.

I guess, if I were in charge, I'd target messages to teenagers.  Let's not tell them they have a 1 in 3 chance of dying a painful premature death in 50 years, costing them their life savings in medical bills, and killing them before they can play with grandchildren.  Teenagers don't respond to that.

Let's post things that teenagers understand, truly scary things...

Don't start smoking or

• Your breath will stink so bad that no girl will ever want to kiss you.

• You'll quickly get addicted and have to spend $4 per day, $28 per week, $112 per month, or $1450 per year.  That's 2 XBox games every month.

• If you start smoking when you are twelve, you could have bought a car at sixteen with the money you wasted on cigarettes.

• You will suck at sports.

• Your teeth get yellow.  The only people who kiss people with yellow teeth already have yellow teeth.

• You will smell like your parents or grandparents soon, even after you take a shower.

• You won't die for 50 years, but you'll cough gross crap out of your lungs every morning until then.

• Your hair will stink.

• You aren't a rebel. You aren't original. You only smoke because your stupidest friends smoke, and they only smoke because their stupidest friends smoke.

• You'll never have sex with someone who doesn't stink too.

Adults understand consequence, like those European photos show.  Teenagers only understand current reality.  They would rather be popular or talented than not.  Usually they start smoking to be popular, within a certain crowd.  We need to attach smoking to  being unpopular, gross, wasteful, and uncool.

Need help to quit smoking.  Here are links to three different smoking cessation programs.  You can order a stop smoking patches, stop smoking gum, or stop smoking lozenges.

October 23, 2004... To Search or Not to Search

I was looking at the Lycos Top 50 searches.  It always cracks me up; the stuff we search for on the Internet, and by "we" I mean teenage boys.  The top searches are flooded with celebrities who have "accidentally" lost track of that home sex video they made, collector card games, and gory videos.

So, in response, here's SunFyre's Top 10 Things I'll Never Search For.

1. A grainy sex tape of a hotel chain heiress.

2. Video of anyone getting any body part cut off.

3. Any video containing Tommy Lee naked, no matter who the co-star.

4. Professional soccer scores

5. Anything featuring an American Idol contestant, winner or loser.

6. Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra (I Hope)

7. Star Trek collectibles

8. Low Carb diets

9. White rap artists

10. Anything with containing the words "sk8r doodz"

On another topic entirely...

I've updated the Cool and Useful Links page.  I don't have every link listed yet, but I'm adding more every month.

I'm working today updating the Surveys page.  One of my previous jobs was in market research, so I always enjoyed making surveys and hearing people's opinions.  I'm going to launch a new survey on November 1st.  If you'd like a preview of the Food Survey, be my guest.  You will be among the first respondents.

Lastly, I added a little script I found.  It tracks birthdays (or other special events) so I've created the SunFyre Reader's Birthday page.  It's kind of silly, but go ahead and add your birthday.

October 22nd, 2004...

Since yesterday, 17 people have already signed up for the Friday Funnies newsletter.  Starting next week, Friday Funnies will be sent by email.  Sign up today using the box to the right.

Peach Brandy

A minister of a church loved peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed as he unwrapped the homemade brandy. However, his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

It's good to own a Volvo

This picture has been floating around with several different captions.  I'll let you make up your own, as if it needs one.  Thanks to Mandarin, TonyD, and RdSoxFn for the submission.

The Honest Seamstress

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river when her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with a brass thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Brad Pitt. "Is this your husband?" The Lord asked.

"Yes!" cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Brad Pitt, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Brad Pitt."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

October 21st, 2004...Three Newsletters

Friday Funnies is moving to email.  Actually, it will be both, starting next Friday (not tomorrow).  I'm still going to try to post new jokes an funny photos every Friday, but I'm also going to send it by email.  You can get Friday Funnies right here at SunFyre, or delivered conveniently to your email.

Our second newsletter, Sunfyre Surveys, is going to revamp my old surveys.  I haven't done much as far as surveys do since last February.  Back then a typical SunFyre day had 50-100 readers, and a good day topped 200.  Surveys were hard because maybe one in 100 of you would actually respond.  Now SunFyre averages 600-1000 visits per day, still not huge, but if half a dozen of you take the surveys daily, we will get a nice bit of response each month.  Our first survey will debut November 1st.  If you like to spout your opinions as much as I do, sign up for the monthly survey newsletter.

The last newsletter is After Dark.  Sometimes late at night, I write.  I started SunFyre over two years ago to be an outlet for my creative side.  It hasn't worked out that way.  It's been more of a blog with a bunch of jokes and rants.  Many of my closest friends and family read it, and I've found myself censoring. 

Well, After Dark is SunFyre uncensored.  These erotic stories and dark tales are creative writing, if not at its best, certainly at its most free.  Those thoughts, feelings, and fantasies that only come out after dark won't be published publicly on SunFyre, and will only be read by After Dark subscribers. Some of these, correction... most of these stories will be for adults only.  I'm not checking IDs, but I encourage you to subscribe if you are Over 21 and not easily offended.  Many of these stories will be true, or at least based on reality, with names changed to protect the guilty.

The first Friday Funnies issue will come out October 29th.  The first issue of SunFyre Surveys will be published on November 1st, if we get at least a dozen subscribers by then.  The first issue of After Dark is already complete, but I'm holding off mailing it until I have 100 subscribers.  Sign up, and sign up your friends.

By the way, each issue of each newsletter will contain one small advertisement from one of my affiliate programs.  No crap; just reputable, well known sites will be advertised.  You'll never see smiley downloads, or free screensavers, or porn sites advertised.  And you'll never see a junk email, you'll get only the newsletters you ask for.   You'll get jokes and funny photos on Fridays, or get to express your opinion on detailed surveys once a month, or perhaps erotic stories and dark humor whenever I get the urge.  Subscribe to one, two or all three by entering your email in the box on the right.

I never sell, rent, trade my list, so don't ask.  You can also unsubscribe easily using a link at the bottom of any newsletter.  Every newsletter even has my home address and home phone number at the bottom.  That's how much I guarantee your privacy.  Don't stop by without calling first.

I hope you'll enjoy these.

SunFyre

October 15th, 2004...

The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet.

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.

October 8th, 2004...

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry final exam:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives us two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic."

The student got the only A.