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December 31, 2004...Resolutions Revisited Last January, I published a large handful of resolutions for the world to see, and hopefully to keep me more accountable. Here's the original New Year's resolutions from January, and below each are the results. January 1st, 2004... ResolutionsMy resolutions for 2004
And now... on with Friday Funnies. Thanks this week go to Joel, Vincent, and Miranda, again. A Christmas Bonus It was near Christmas and Little Johnny, the neighborhood paperboy, received Christmas cards (with extra big tips enclosed) from the first three houses on his route.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a big breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was completely satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming hot cocoa. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this is just too wonderful for words," Little Johnny said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I asked my husband what to give you since it's Christmas time. He said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar.'" The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." An old one... Has anyone heard about the Hollywood starlet who hitchhiked all the way to San Diego before she found out that a 17" Admiral was a TV set?. Fruitcakes Have Feelings Too
Contemporary Architecture Meets Old School Santa
It's Ok, I'm a Republican
And My Wife Thinks I'm Bad This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Roy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Roy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Roy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Roy nails every hen in the hen house -- three or four times-- and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Roy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Roy after a flock of geese. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Roy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Roy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Roy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Roy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh, they're getting closer... Happy New Year!!! December 30, 2004... I Hate Being Correct A couple days ago I wrote that the death toll from the tsunami will exceed 100,000. It looks like I'm under-estimating. As of this morning the count is 117,000, of which 80,000 are in two regions of Indonesia. This is before factoring deaths from drought, famine, and disease. Three days ago I expected disease to kill many in the coming months because of the destruction of sanitation systems. Now, drought may kill may, which is ironic considering it's a flood. The difference between a tsunami and traditional flood is that a tsunami is salt water, not fresh water. So in these drenched areas, the fresh water has been destroyed. Literally, people can stand in puddles and die of thirst. I'm off to have a glass of cool, clean water, and say a quick prayer to God, thanking Him for the privilege. On another note, I'm almost finished with the new SunFyre.com. The entire staff (me) is working around the clock (well, an hour or so after the kids go to bed) tirelessly to launch SunFyre Magazine on January 3rd, 2005 (right after I get back from New Years weekend). Subscribe to any of SunFyre's newsletters at the right, and I'll send you a personal invitation on January 3rd. If you'd like a sneak peak at the new home page, sign up today for our Friday Funnies newsletter. I'm including a link in tomorrow's issue. December 27, 2004... Asian Earthquake and Tsunami I felt like a complete jerk yesterday. I wrote this long babble about my children creating the most devastating storm the world has seen, little did I know, people surrounding the Indian Ocean were experiencing true devastation. I wrote the post-Christmas living room apocalypse story yesterday morning, didn't watch or listen to the news until immediately after I posted the story. At that time, the death toll from the tsunami was 4200, now it's over 10,000, and I expect it will increase by at least five times. In that part of the world, we won't know how many are dead from the tidal wave for several more days. The after-effects of the earthquake will likely be seen for weeks or months. After a water disaster such as this, disease and economic destruction will probably be even more far reaching. If you include disease deaths over the next few months, I'll bet the death toll will exceed 100,000. On a personal note, yesterday with the family was fun. We had a very merry Christmas. Clean up only took about 20 minutes, and the kids helped. I'm blessed. SunFyre December 26, 2004... The Lull after the Storm
All had been calm at 7:14 a.m. when a small voice screamed out... "Santa Was Here!" and the destruction commenced. This reporter was nearly trampled by crowds of tiny people, whom selflessly dove into the center of the storm, in apparent attempts to salvage personal property and cherished heirlooms.
Just as cleanup had begun, a second wave started. Ironically, fresh rescue workers had just arrived. The brother and sister-in-law of one of the tall people came, and bought two more short people. The four tiny workers teamed to rescue several more toys, and something described as "new pajamas", which I've never heard of or worn, but this story isn't about me. Shortly after 9:00 p.m. the four tiny workers retired to temporary barracks, knowing that the worst is yet to come, the GrandDaddy of all storms, initially being called Hurricane Papa Larry, after one of the grandparents who are coming to visit today. The new storm is expected to last several hours, and arrive on our doorstep around lunchtime. This storm system apparently isn't localized, storm cells hitting family rooms nationwide. This reporter will do is best to survive, and bring first-hand accounts and photos. Merry Christmas
December 24, 2004... Christmas Eve Friday Funnies It's nearly time to help Santa. One of the joys I'm experiencing for the first time this year is helping Santa Claus. That jolly old elf infuses me with the Christmas spirit. Some people say Christmas shouldn't be commercial, it should be a solemn religious holiday, but even Jesus knew it wasn't about religion. Christmas is about children. Think back to the very first Christmas. It was about giving to children and praising children, the child in this case was Jesus. I believe God wants us to be drawn closer to him on other holidays, whether it be Easter, Passover, or whatever. But He also wants us to praise and cherish the children in our lives, and for Christians, He's given us Christmas. Merry Christmas to you all, and to all the children in your lives. Now, on with the funnies... Thanks Meghan, Mandy and Cece for this week's jokes and toons, and thanks to Jim Davis for Garfield. Also, Thanks to all of you who sent your jokes and photos, I got too many to print, so I decided to continue the Christmastime theme. My favorite holiday cookie recipe It is almost that time of the year so here is a repeat of a recipe that you may have misplaced....Here is how to make my favorite Christmas Cookies......... Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher. CHERRY MISTMAS
Watch Your Language A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say "hell" and you say "ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his
mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The Mom
locks him in his room & shouts "You can just stay there till I
let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Symbols of Christmas Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's." December 18, 2004... The Little Drummer Boy
We tucked the kids in bed. The next day, Jason Andrew wandered into my office, carrying an empty can of Quaker Oats and pounding on it with a wooden spoon. Kristen had given it to him, after he informed her he wanted to be a drummer boy. Ainsley was crawling around behind, making a bleating sound like a lamb. Since then, every night has had discussions of the drummer boy, and how he found baby Jesus. And at least once every day, we've had a parade through the house featuring Jason and Ainsley playing Quaker Oats containers or, my personal favorite, the 4C breadcrumbs container with the metal bottom. Last night, we were at Circuit City and Ainsley saw a Christmas Classics 5 DVD Set including The Little Drummer Boy. I almost bought it, but it was $35.00, and we already owned two of the five discs. (If you are interested, it's only $27.99 at Amazon.) Needless to say, Santa's Helpers have been on the lookout for a toy drum. If you want to support SunFyre, you can click on the links below and order Christmas TV Specials like The Little Drummer Boy, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, and my personal favorites, How The Grinch Stole Christmas and a Charlie Brown Christmas.
One more little tidbit for you. I always remembered The Vienna Boys Choir singing "pa rum pum pum pum" but I could never understand the rest of the lyrics. Well, here you go... complete with music so you can sing along!
Come they told me
So to honor Him
Little Baby
Shall I play for you!
Mary nodded
Then He smiled at me
December 17, 2004... Friday Funnies It's time for another episode of Friday Funnies. First, thanks to Simon and Miranda for sending me jokes and cartoons! Don't forget to subscribe to SunFyre's Newsletters, including Friday Funnies. Use the sign-up box on the right. A Sexy Request
Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow... It's almost officially winter, and we haven't seen any flakes yet this Christmas. Well, one waited on me at the greeting card store, but we haven't seen flakes falling from the sky yet. The forecast is Cold and Windy this weekend with a heavy snow expected on Monday, so here's a few funnies for readers in the Northeast. (Those of you in Southern California won't understand, but I hate you anyhow, so I don't care.)
Yes, Jesus Loves Me
Send your jokes, funny pictures, and cartoons to . December 14, 2004... A New Look I'm working on a new look for SunFyre. I like this look, it's comfortable to me, but unfortunately not very challenging. One of my primary reasons for writing this drivel each month is to practice my amateur web design techniques. I actually have a career in web-centric marketing. My design skills don't need to be cutting edge, but I need to at least continue to grow. Why am I telling you this?! Because I would like your help. If you know of a website that you find pleasing to the eye, yet intuitive to navigate, and quick loading, send me a link. I don't want any flash-based sites, or ASP generated sites, strictly old school design, with originality. If you don't know what ASP or Flash is, you are my ideal audience! My sites have to be designed for the lowest common denominator, the every-day user.
One of the new pages I'm planning will be dedicated to players of EverQuest 2. If you enjoy massively multiplayer role playing games, I strongly recommend the new EverQuest. I'm also planning to test Worlds of Warcraft, the other big MMORG out this Christmas. A friend has an account and is going to let me play this weekend. I'll keep you informed. If you'd like to see the template for my new EverQuest 2 page, it's under construction, but feel free. Well, I'm off to bed... goodnight. December 13, 2004... Scott Peterson gets the Death Penalty
Now, all of you know my opinion of the death penalty, or if you don't, you can read my ongoing Capital Punishment Opinion page. The Scott Peterson case actually supports my decision even further. Here's why I believe that if the California jurors wanted to punish Scott Peterson to the severest extent possible, they should have opted for life in prison. First, there are currently approximately 650 inmates on California's Death Row. However, since 1978, when the death penalty was re-adopted in California, the state has only actually executed 10 individuals. More convicts exit death row by natural causes or suicide than execution. Second, according to California law, all death penalty appeals are heard by the Supreme Court. According to an Associated Press article "If Peterson is sentenced to death, he will sit on death row for more than five years before he is appointed an attorney for his first and mandatory appeal to the California Supreme Court." The reason for this length of time is the enormous backlog of criminals awaiting attorneys. Third, Scott Peterson won't receive the benefit of becoming some three-strikes crackhead's butt buddy! Life termers are put into the general population and have a cellmate. Peterson, because he will likely reside on death row, will have a single-occupancy cell. He will have five hours a day in the exercise yard, and three private showers each week. He will probably have a far more comfortable and safe life on death row. The judge in the case, The Honorable Alfred A. Delucchi, doesn't officially pass sentence until February 25th. He technically could choose to disregard the jury recommendation, and grant a life sentence, or as I call it, a life-of-pain sentence, but he probably won't. He could make a great speech about how a life sentence would ultimately avenge the deaths of Laci Peterson and her fetus, but he probably won't. You see, a Judge ultimately can only seek justice if elected by voters. Next election, his opponent will be running smear ads saying how Alfred chickened out, and doesn't respect the jury's wishes. Want to learn more? I have found the Death Penalty Information Center to be a quality resource of facts. While the website is clearly in favor of eliminating capital punishment, they present quality information in a relatively unbiased way. Finally, use that little link that says and give me your opinion. I'll publish all opinions, and my responses, on the Death Penalty page. December 11, 2004... Christmas Shopping We took the kids to the mall today. We had some shopping to do, and figured Santa Claus would probably be in the house.
Anyhow, now you get a 5x7 print on computer photo paper for $10.99. We actually got thirty copies of the photo printed at www.ofoto.com, and are sticking them in our Christmas cards. For those of you who aren't getting a card this year, here's a full size picture of my twins with Santa. For only $5.00 extra you get a CD-ROM with your photo on it. The CD-ROM has a cute little program that generates a screen saver or desktop wallpaper from your photo. (Yes, I got the whole package.) Speaking of screen savers and stupid stuff, virtually every computer has a "screen saver". But what most people don't realize, is that your computer screen no longer needs saving. Back in the '80s computer screens could get "burned" when an identical image was on the screen for liberally hundreds of hours. For example, a business computer that uses the exact same order processing page 24-hrs. a day, 365 days a year could get burned with the image. The only negative effect is that after the computer is turned off, a faint image would remain. This typically didn't effect the performance of the monitor when in use, but when it wasn't, people didn't like seeing the image linger.
One of my first computers ran Microsoft Word 1.2, and an accounting program. I only opened the accounting program once a month, so Microsoft Word was open 99% of the time. After, perhaps, 4 or 6 years of daily use the monitor started to show the first signs of burn. So, do you want to save something, something real? Rather than turn your screen saver on, simply turn off your monitor when you go to bed, or leave your desk. Your computer will continue to run, allowing you to remain logged into your office network, or allowing you to continue downloading pirated MP3's while you sleep, but you will save a minute amount of electricity. You probably won't reduce your electric bill, but if all of the 100 million computer monitors in America today were turned off rather than sent to screen saver, the electricity saved would be significant. Better yet, do something even more environmentally friendly... Start Menu>>Shut Down.
Christmas Carols of the Mentally Ill
And you thought you had a crappy job!
The Modern Church The elderly priest, speaking to the young priest, said, "Your idea to replace the first four pews with the plush bucket theater seats was really great. It worked - the front of the church fills first." The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "and you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest, "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well, this is all very good, but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But Father", protested the young priest, "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, son", replied the old priest, "but the flashing, neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof." December 1, 2004... still alive "Where have you been have you been? It's been almost a month, and nothing. You're not dead are you? Oh, God, I hope not, because I'd feel really stupid." Well, my loyal fans have obviously been let down. To Nurse1974, who wrote this little email, I'm back. Well, sort of. Here's what I've been doing since losing the election. First, work has been intense. Our company is growing so fast, I'm having trouble keeping up. Second, on November 8th I happened to be at the mall and wandered into Electronics Boutique and was able to get a copy of EverQuest 2 about six hours after it went live. It's definitely changed my life, I've played over 100 hrs. already, which is practically a part-time job. I have created three characters, a dark elf monk, a half elf mage (whose specialty is yet to be determined) and a dedicated erudite crafter specializing in provisions. I'm on the Antonia Bayle server, so send me a /tell. Soon, I'm going to do a formal game of EverQuest 2, so stay tuned.
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At
the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the
hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind
him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew
his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. 
Well,
Roy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides
he'd be worth it. So, he buys Roy. The farmer takes Roy home and
sets him down in the barnyard. He gave the rooster a pep talk,
"Roy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of
chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. I'll
need you to do a good job.. So, take your time and have some
fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
I'm
reporting to you from the center of the devastation that makes
Each tiny person emerged, covered in paper, tape, and bows,
having rescued a valuable treasure from inside the eye of the
storm. Sometimes the treasure would be carried to the big
person who originally purchased the item, and hugs would be
exchanged. Other times, a disappointing sadness would fall
over the young faces, and they'd exclaim "Clothes Suck",
as their father before them had said on many occasions.
The initial storm lasted several hours, luckily, with no loss of
life. One big person was nearly lost, but she was saved
and resuscitated by a short person.
Capital
punishment is back in the national spotlight today as
California jurors recommended the death penalty for Scott
Peterson. For those of you living under a rock, he was
found guilty of murdering his wife and unborn child on Christmas
Eve, 2002, or thereabouts.
I've
become a sucker. My parents always took us to see Santa,
but never paid for the instant photo. At that time they
were $3 or $4, and taken with a Polaroid camera, the kind that
people would peel back the plastic layer and shake the heck out
of the photo. To this day I don't understand what shaking
the picture accomplished, but everyone did it. (It's
similar to pressing the elevator buttons 4 or 5 times before it
arrives, I think.)
So, some computer guy invented a little program that would put
fish or flying toasters on your screen after sixty idle seconds.
Ironically, the graphics capability needed to create fish or
toasters, animated in color, actually corrected the problem.
Four color monitors dramatically lessened the likelihood of
"burning" your monitor. The 16 color monitors, that first saw
eye candy, such as screen savers, gaining popularity, virtually
eliminated monitor burn-in.
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