The Worst Senior Prom Ever

My turn again...

Question #5: What was the worst date you ever had?

SunFyre: My worst date I ever had, and I hope she gets to read this, was named Dawn. She was my date to my senior prom.

I had a friend who told me that Dawn, an incredibly pretty blonde who worked at the movie theater, was wondering if I had a prom date.

I'm a guy in a wheelchair who had dated maybe six times in my life prior to that. None of my dates had ever been in Dawn's league. I knew Dawn just a little. She had graduated the year before me, and now was working at the mall. I didn't even know her in high school.

Obviously, I asked her and she said "yes" on the spot. I was so excited. It was like one of those teen movies where the geek gets the pretty girl and remains popular for the rest of his high school career. My life was about to get wonderful.

I found out within 15 minutes at the dance that the only reason she wanted to go is because she knew her ex-boyfriend would be at the prom with his new girlfriend. Let's just say there was excessive yelling, and later excessive drinking in the bathroom. I never got to dance with her, and she spent most of the night in the ladies toilet.

I dropped her off early and went to after-prom by myself.

The good news is that I got my first girlfriend that night. Apparently Tammy had a crush on me, which she decided to share when she found out that I only dated Dawn because I was a shallow idiot. For some reason, women seem to be attracted to shallow idiots!

Unique Sexual Experience

The next question for Mandy is from page 285. (I figured out the sex questions are in the back.)

Question #4: How would your lover react if you share the desire for unique sexual experience?

Mandy: I guess that depends on which lover I am with this week. Just kidding, mostly.

Don't most guys want a unique sexual experience? I think they'd all react favorably. All you have to do is say "Would you like to try..." and you'll hear "I can be there in five minutes!" Guys are simple creatures.

I don't think I've ever looked for a "unique" sexual experience. They just find me.

Was it good for you?

Mandy says the gloves are off now.

Question #3: Do you want your lover to tell you when you haven't satisfied them sexually?

SunFyre: This is actually an easy question for me... although it's never happened.

Yes, I want them to be satisfied, and truthful about it. I'm kind of a insecure asshole down deep, so if I thought she was pretending once in a while, I would probably assume that she was pretending every time. Eventually, she have a mind blowing orgasm, and I'd accuse her of lying about it. I can see the scene now:

SunFyre -- Was it good for you?

Incredibly Hot Blonde -- (breathing heavily) that was the most (gasp) mind and body altering experience of my life... thank you, my God, thank you SunFyre!

SunFyre (brooding) -- What do you want, an Oscar for that performance? Get the f--- out of my bedroom!

Attention ladies... please be honest with me. Tell me what is in your top 10, but not the best you've ever had, unless it was. If I only make the top 10 first time around, I'm more than willing to try for the crown again. Practice makes perfect.

European Vacation

Mandy wouldn't let me pick my own question... so I had to choose it randomly by page number without looking. Here's a question from page 133.

Question #2: If you won an all-expenses-paid trip for two weeks, where would you go?

Mandy: Hawaii is tempting but... I'm going to say Europe. I'd want to travel around different countries, France, Germany, Spain, Austria, Switzerland, Italy and the former Czech Republic. (She's laughing at the Czech Republic. I think it's a fine place to live.)

I want to eat good food, drink good wine, and see lots of castles.

Jason: Please allow me to translate. She wants to visit France, and hook up with a guy named Pierre. She wants to stop in Germany and do it with a guy named Heinrich. Then head over and meet Miguel in Spain. Jet over to Austria for a tryst with Gustav. Ski a little in Switzerland, then head to Italy with Mario for some pasta. Lastly, she'd fly to Sweden with Inge and Sonia for a little lesbian menage a trois. Okay, that last bit may be just me fantasizing, but the rest is absolutely true.

Attack of the Double Cheeseburger

My friend, Mandy, got one of those books with lots of "get to know you" questions. So we are going to try an experiment this evening and see how it goes. She's going to ask me a question and I'm going to answer truthfully... but I'm going to do it here!

I don't know the questions before they are asked.

Question #1... What is one mistake no one will let you forget?

Shortly after I got married my wife and I got a small apartment. The bathroom was so small my shower/toilet chair wouldn't fit in. For the first couple years we were married I had to rely on bed baths, and, believe it or not, I did my bowel movements in the living room. You see, I'd roll a shower chair into the next room where Kristie would place a large bucket to catch my well, my cannonballs. I would sit there and watched television for half an hour like king of my castle.

One evening, she rolled me into the living room just at the beginning of my favorite show to do one of my favorite activities... taking a post-double-cheeseburger dump. After a minute or two things were progressing nicely, and I was enjoying the show. I made a rather large deposit in just a few minutes. The next moment Kristie walks into the room with the bucket in her hand and said "Sorry it took me so long, mom called on my cell phone and... oh my gosh... what did you do!"

Apparently the television show is so good I had completely forgotten to wait until Kristie placed the bucket strategically. There was a large brown steaming cheeseburger in my living room.

The good news is that we're still married... that's true love!

Baseball Sadness

The New York Mets have dropped four in a row. I was just starting to get excited for them again, but it has been hard since last year's massive tumble.

I still think baseball is the greatest sport, but my one time undying love is now waning. I tried to get tickets to see the Yankees or the Mets during September, and was blown away by the ticket prices. Both teams are getting new stadiums this year. Because of that, many people are making the voyage to see them one more time in their original stadium.

Baseball used to be a sport where you could go at a moment's notice and still get tickets. Furthermore, you could get nosebleed seats for a couple of bucks and really good seats for $15. It used to be the only sport you could to which you could afford to take your family, and now that's even unrealistic more than a few times a year at best.

I still love baseball, but I'm leaning more toward the minor leagues. Minor league baseball is still a personal game. When I was a kid I always looked forward to the day when I would take my son to games. Thank goodness for farm teams, or it wouldn't be a realistic expectation today. The value you get for the price of a MLB ticket, food, parking and gas isn't there any longer.

Dad and I used to go to Pittsburgh and watch the Pirates play in Three Rivers Stadium. We didn't make a big event out of it. It was usually last-minute, even though Pittsburgh was a 2-hour drive. We never bought food, because hot dogs were only a dollar. Dad would get a beer, and I'd have a sip. We would sit for almost 3 hours in relative silence, but yet feel bonded. Sometimes we would wait around outside the stadium after the game and I would try to get autographs of the visiting team. The Pirates always took their personal cars home, but the visiting team came out together and got on a bus.

Over the years I got to meet Daryl Strawberry, Pete Rose and dozens of other players who had much less time in the spotlight. I collected baseball cards and knew most of the players by sight.

It's different now. Everything is more expensive, and the game is less personal. You even hear it in the announcer's voice. Players used to play for one team for their entire careers, and you were as much a fan of individuals as you were of your team.

I'm sad because even if I get to share a little baseball with my son, it will never be the same experience that I once had.