Christmas Carols of the Mentally Ill

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Schizophrenia -Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder -We Three Kings Disoriented Are
Amnesia -I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic -Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic -Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and...
Paranoid -Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder -Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder -You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ..
Agoraphobia -I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
Autistic -Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ...
Senile Dementia -Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe
Oppositional Defiant Disorder -I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
Social Anxiety Disorder -Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

And You Thought You Had a Crappy Job

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The Modern Church

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The elderly priest, speaking to the young priest, said, "Your idea to replace the first four pews with the plush bucket theater seats was really great. It worked - the front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "and you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest, "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well, this is all very good, but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father", protested the young priest, "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son", replied the old priest, "but the flashing, neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."