Friday Funnies #8
Words of Wisdom from Our Elders

Italian bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "Yes, I'll have 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"

He replied,  "Holy crap...! Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing  but ME....?!"

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Post War Confession

An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess."

"It's worse, Father. she started to repay me with sexual favors."

"You were both in great danger, two people together under those circumstances act that way. You are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

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Words of Wisdom

These are a few of my favorite quotes.  I originally published them in July, 2003, but felt they were worth regurgitation.  I've given credit to the original writer wherever possible.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. -- Albert Einstein

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week. -- George Bernard Shaw

Courage is not limited to the battlefield or the Indianapolis 500 or bravely catching a thief in your house. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like remaining faithful when nobody's looking, like enduring pain when the room is empty, like standing alone when you're misunderstood.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

What if the hokey-pokey really IS what it's all about?

Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion and prejudice and evil tendencies subject to an upright and reasoning will, and you have done much to abolish misery from their future and crimes from society. -- Benjamin Franklin

My wife and I have a perfect understanding... I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.

Does Anal Retentive have a hyphen??