Sick Jokes about Being Sick

10 Things I Learned from Cancer

This week's Friday Funnies starts with a sick joke. Actually, it's a joke about being sick. I've always admired those who find the healing power of humor when they need healing most. This is a transcript of a speech given by a kid named Kameron, a 13-year-old with cancer.

"When I was asked to speak at this event, I knew that being the person I am I had to write something nobody else would have thought of. I thought for days trying to find something and came up with nothing. So I borrowed a few things, modified them slightly, and ended up with this. So now without further ado, The Top Ten Things I Learned from Cancer.

10: Scans, what they are, what they involve and what they do. After about a month I had been subjected to every kind of scan used to find and diagnose cancer, with the exception of a mammogram. After a year, I no longer have to turn on a light to find my way around in the dark. I've been radiated so much, I glow.

9: The Top Ten List, before I got sick I always had to get up for school and wasn't allowed to stay up late enough to watch Letterman.

8: That school isn't all that bad (not doing anything all day is incredibly boring), making fun of your friends who are going to school helps but it is incredibly hard to hide when you're the only student in class.

7: Never drink red smoothies when feeling nauseous. When you vomit up red stuff, nurses tend to flip out.

6: That the tiniest things can make you more comfortable. Such as your own pillow (nobody likes hospital pillows) or a universal remote control (having to flip through channels in circles when using a hospital remote gets annoying quickly). It always helps to bring something from home with you.

5: The identity of the most annoying sound known to man. An I.V. pump beeping at 4:30 in the morning. Now I know why you are not allowed to bring baseball bats to the hospital.

4: The value of a hat. Before this I wouldn't have believed how incredibly cold wind is when you're bald. It's a good thing I've figured this out now so at least I'm prepared when I hit my forties.

3: There is no such thing as too much sleep. When you're in the hospital getting chemo you really don't feel like doing anything else, and how much Oprah and Dr. Phil can you watch?

2: Cancer perks, or as there more commonly referred to "the upside of cancer". People will get pretty much anything for a child with cancer. If you want a meatball sub at 11:00 at night, chances are that somebody will get you a meatball sub. My advice to anyone in this situation is to use the perks well and often. They're a small reward for your fight with cancer.

1: And the number one thing I learned from cancer is: Keep a sense of humor. If you don't the cancer will eat away at you like, well like a cancer. This is the most important thing to remember and a good philosophy for any hardship in your life. "

Suits... $5.00

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair."

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.

Now, I'll talk in a slow drawl so's they don't know."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and .."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from the hills, ain't you?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you know that?!"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

An Ostrich and Perfect Change

A man walks into a restaurant with a full grown ostrich in tow. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for the order. He says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a Coke," and the ostrich chimes in with, "Same for me."

Shortly, the waitress returns with the order, and says, "That will be $6.40, please." The man reaches into his pocket, pulls out some money, lays it on the table -- and it is exactly $6.40, something that amazes the server.

Each day thereafter the man and the ostrich come in, place orders which the bird goes along with regardless of what it is, then when the bill is presented, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the precise amount, regardless of what it is.

Finally, the waitress is unable to stand it any longer. She says, "Look, each time you pay, the amount I quote comes from your pocket right to the penny. How do you do that?"

He smiles and says, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp that I dusted off. A genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first was that each time I put my hand in my pocket, the right amount of money to cover a particular obligation would be extracted."

"That's brilliant," she said, awestruck. "Most people would want a million dollars, but you'll always be as rich as you want as long as you live."

"That's right," he said, "whether it is a gallon of milk, a Rolls Royce, the exact money will always be there."

"One thing that puzzles me, though," the waitress says. "What's with the ostrich?"

Best Irish Toast Award

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John thought quickly and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Thank you

Thanks this week go to Kameron, Harold, Mike, and Lisa! Keep sending those jokes, cartoons and funny photos.

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