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Ten Things That Suck about the Flu
1) Mucus
Mucus, a.k.a. Snot, is one of
the things, perhaps the #1 thing that sucks about getting
the flu. This substance goes from clear, to white, to
yellow, to green... then gradually back to clear. Each
phase equally disgusting.
2) Fever
Simultaneously freezing and
burning up... that's the fever that comes with flu.
The worst is when you feel completely miserable.
Weakly, you beg your spouse to fetch you a thermometer.
He/she has listened to you whine for the past two hours
about burning up, then the thermometer reveals that your
temperature is 99.8, and he/she looks at you with those
"you're such a wuss" eyes. You honestly think the
thermometer is broken, but decide it isn't a good time to
bring it up.
3) 48 hours, my A$$
Your watching the news during
day six of your hiatus from life. The cheery blond
co-anchor does a story about the "nasty 48 hour bug" going
around, then she giggles. You're tempted to throw your
chicken soup at the television.
4) Getting sick from taking care of
your child
The crusty little urchin known
as your offspring is a Petri dish of disease, and I don't
just mean during flu season. You send them off to
mingle with other Petri dishes at these laboratories called
"kindergarten". All the kids trade germs faster than
Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Then on Wednesday you have to take
time off work to care for your precious little ball of Snot.
By Friday, she's back in the laboratory, and you have a
fever of 106, and your weekend is toast!
5) Giving it to your other children
Ok, it's Friday and your sick,
but your youngest is back to kindergarten. You are
taking the day just to relax and recover. Telephone
rings. It's the elementary school, your middle child
has a fever and needs picked up. While on the phone
with the nurse, your cell rings. It's the Junior High
nurse. "I called your house, but the line is busy..."
is the sound of a really bad day coming. You spend the
weekend caring for two, without time to recover yourself.
By Monday, the kids are fine, and your in day three of the
48 hour bug.
6) Vitamin C, Sudafed, and
Tylenol
 Your arsenal of weapons against
influenza. You start with vitamin C, trying to ward
off the devil. Then you take Sudafed and can't
understand why it's not working. Somewhere around
10:15 you discover your Sudafed expired in 2001, and the
drugstore closed 15 minutes ago. You pop open the
Tylenol with your shaking feverish hands, only to discover
there is one tablet, and a bunch of Tylenol dust. You
lick your finger and scoop as much dust as possible, then
suck it off. You consider asking your spouse to hit
Wal-Mart, then remember the "you're such a wuss" eyes.
7) Cheap tissues
Your wife likes Puffs with
Aloe. Then you calmly explain that these are $2.89 per
50 count box. Then you show her the store brand
"single-ply value tissues" which are only $1.19 per 100
count box. You explain how she is paying extra for
advertising expenses and the "hype about Aloe". She
smiles and lets you win this argument, surprisingly easily.
That was four weeks ago. Now those value tissues feel
like 80 grit sand paper. You've used three boxes, have
graduated to cheap toilet paper, and are six hours away from
using those industrial strength paper towels.
8) Unwanted advice
Every person you meet is
instantly a world renowned physician. Your postal
carrier stays healthy with Echinacea. The cable guy
suggests anti-bacterial soap. Your mother-in-law
describes how chicken soup is good for your soul, but only
beef broth will conquer influenza. Ironically, most of
the people you meet only offer advice on avoiding the flu.
My personal favorite are the bastards who ask "You did get a
flu shot, didn't you?" Then just sigh knowingly and
roll their eyes when you say you didn't.
9) Giving it to your spouse
 You and the kids are finally on
your way to recovery. You begged your wife/husband to
take vitamins, wash their hands, not share food, and try not
to breathe at all. You explain how "you don't want
this flu" repeatedly. You are thankful for little
miracles. Two days later, your spouse runs a fever.
You wonder how this is possible after all your preventive
advice. He/she then informs you that when things were
looking up they stopped with the vitamins and washing, and
started breathing again. "I didn't think you were
still contagious." Now they are staring at you.
You fetch the thermometer and are excited to use your
"you're such a wuss" eyes, but the thermometer reads 105.
They give you the "what did you do to me" eyes!
10) Not updating your website for
two weeks
So you just got back in the
saddle with your weblog. Then the "48 hours my A$$"
bug hits, and now your behind with work. You are
spending every day catching up, and their isn't any time for
writing. Now it's after midnight, and you realize the
only thing you've done worth writing about recently was
producing a complete continuum of mucus! |
