SunFyre...words from a seated position

Magic Eight Ball was one of the most popular toys from the 80s. It's yes/no answers are known to be the only thing more accurate than the Ouija board.

If you need answers, you must trust Magic Eight Ball. Unfortunately, once in a while he gives you an answer that you definitely don't want.

Here's 20 answers you never want from Magic Eight Ball.

Labels: Advice, Friday Funnies, humor

My kids have a snow day today. They have been fighting all day and driving me crazy,and it's only 10:20 a.m. Here are a few comics about snow. They aren't hysterical, but they may make you smile just enough to prevent you from beating your children. (I'll settle for little victories today.)

Labels: comics, Friday Funnies, humor, weather

When you're trying to find that perfect card for that special someone, Valentine's Day is the perfect time to express your true feelings. Unfortunately, what if your true feelings aren't all that romantically inclined? Here are some Valentine's Day cards that didn't make the cut, but maybe we wish they would have.

Labels: Friday Funnies, holidays, humor, videos

Many of us have a wish list of places we'd like to visit. Maybe you want to see kangaroos in Australia, the Eiffel Tower, Easter Island or maybe you want to go to Warrensburg, New York, home of the world's largest garage sale.

However, if you're interested in longer distance travel, perhaps throughout the solar system, it's important to get the facts before you leave. You don't want to simply hop on a space shuttle and say "take me where you're going" because you may not like your destination.

Here's my list of where you should go in the solar system to get the most out of your travel dollar!

If you're morbidly obese try Mercury or Mars where your 300 pound butt cheeks will only weigh 124 pounds.

If you just want to get in your skinny jeans again visit Uranus where your 150 pound frame will be down to 129 pounds. (Please hold your jokes having to do with tight jeans on Uranus, that's so sixth grade.)

If you just want to impress the friends before your class reunion asked them to hold it on Saturn or Venus. If you weigh 120 pounds, you'll be down to your high school weight of 109.

Guys, are you a little on the skinny side? Your 160 pound weakling ass will look like a buff 176 on Neptune. Alien babes will swear you're working out.

Speaking of weakling asses, if you want to be buff rather than just appear buff, take a short trip to Earth's moon. Your 75 pound bench press now rings in at a cool 450.

Speaking of moons, if you're looking for a romantic place to enjoy the moonlight, try Jupiter, it's got 62 of them. Your girlfriend will be impressed, but I hope you like big beautiful women because on Jupiter your 95 pound girlfriend tops out well over 200.

Do you like warmer climates? Visit Mercury where, in the summer things heat up to a comfortable 801°F. Just don't make a mistake and visit in the winter when the temperature is -279°F. It's a little hard to figure out when summer starts in winter ends because their year is only 88 days long.

Have you ever wondered where global warming is going to end? Visit Venus for a first-hand case study. There the Venusians, not to be confused with Venetians, used up all their oxygen. Their atmosphere is similar to our if you replace all the oxygen with carbon dioxide. The thick clouds keep Venus a constant 864°F, but remember it's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Have you ever wished you had just a few minutes extra each day? Visit Mars. You'll get an extra 40 minutes each day. Are you a real workaholic? Try Mercury where each day lasts 59 Earth days. Just be careful because, as we've already mentioned their year is only 88 Earth days, so your wake-up mid spring, and won't be ready for a nap until late fall.

Does your girlfriend want to spend every day with you? Move to Neptune, days are only 16 hours long. Just make sure she doesn't want to spend a hundred years with you, because a year last 165 Earth years. Save your money for calendars, a Neptune page-a-day calendar would have slightly under 90,000 pages. At least your kids won't have to share birthdays... with anyone.

Do you like to walk? Visit Pluto. You can walk the entire planet in about the same amount of time as it would take you to walk across Alaska and back. Wear a coat however, because the temperature is a steady -385°F. Just in case you're wondering, that's about 40°K. At 0°K, all molecular motion stops. That's cold.

Maybe you're a storm chaser. If you think the tornadoes of Kansas are impressive, visit Jupiter. That big red spot is a giant storm three times wider than Earth. The storm has been around for hundreds of years. I wouldn't recommend chasing it either, because the air pressure is so strong it would crush your SUV like a Styrofoam cup.

Do you like to this ancient ruins? Try the asteroid belt, a collection of 90,000+ orbiting bodies. Some of them as wide as 600 miles, while others are less than a kilometer. Some people believe these fragments are ruins of ancient planet or moon's. Others believe that some of the moons of Mars are old asteroids that got trapped by Mars' orbit. What goes around, comes around.

Feel like getting away from it all, hop on a comet. While these interstellar tour buses are fascinating, a round-trip on Halley's comet takes 76 years... and this is considered a short period comet. Some comets don't revisit our solar system for as long as 30 million years. You'd better take a snack.

Last but not least, perhaps you're sick of our solar system altogether. You want to visit a neighboring star. Our closest buddy (and best friend, pun intended) is named Sirius, a.k.a. the Dog Star. It's a long trip, about a 17 year round-trip, if traveling at the speed of light. Unfortunately, until technology gives us a warp drive you have to rely on current technology. Voyager 2 can make the trip one way in about 300,000 years, but we haven't figured out how to bring it back yet, so plan on staying for a while.

And there you have it, SunFyre's Travel Guide to the Solar System. Please note that all verified facts were confirmed by NASA, and all verified lies were confirmed by SunFyre. Much of this article is somewhere in between.

Labels: astronomy, exploration, humor, travel

Clearly, here is some extraordinary advice for new parents, complete with diagrams. I'd wish it had this were my twins were born. It probably would've changed a lot of my parenting strategies.

http://www.c00lstuff.com/1133/Do_s_and_don_ts_with_babies/

Labels: Friday Funnies, humor, parenting

A lot of people say that the Christmas Season drives them crazy. If this is you, here's a version of The 12 Days of Christmas you will appreciate. I guess it could be aptly called The 12 Therapeutic Days of Christmas.

Labels: Christmas, holidays, humor, mental health, videos

Today is International Day of the Disabled. You didn't even send me a card did you! I mean come on... I write about my fantastically fabulous life from the point of view of being in a wheelchair... words from a seated position. I spent hours each month working on this blog and you don't even have the common courtesy to send me a card!

Okay, first I never heard of International Day of the Disabled until today. Plus, I'm not quite sure how a day becomes international. Did every country in the world actually have a vote and declare that this is an international day of something? It took decades to agree that having a hundred different currencies in Europe was a dumb idea. We can't get countries to agree to throw away nuclear bombs or even that global warming exists. Killing whales and dolphins is still a good idea in much of the world. So how in the heck did we get every country to agree to have an International Day of the Disabled.

I think it's another Hallmark marketing ploy, kind of like Grandparents Day and Sweetest Day. Just because it's a marketing ploy doesn't mean you don't owe me a card!

Do they have cards that say Happy Belated International Day of the Disabled? You better hope so.

In your defense, I would never willingly give up my home address. Also, I haven't checked the mailbox today so it's possible that every one of my readers actually did send me a card. I think I heard a mail truck sputtering and struggling to get up the hill in front of my house, that's probably a good sign.

Anyhow, Happy Gimp Day!

Labels: disabled people, humor

How to break up with your girlfriend ...in just 64 easy steps.

Labels: animation, dating, humor, videos

A disabled Arkansas teenager is setting his sights on bagging an elk in Saskatchewan.

Joe Parsons will be aiming for an elk from his wheelchair because the 16-year-old has a severe form of Muscular Dystrophy.

"I just thought it'd be really incredible to go hunting in Canada and shoot a big bull elk," he said from his home in Searcy, Ark., on Wednesday.

Joe's dream trip became a reality after his mother applied to Hunt of a Lifetime, a non-profit organization that grants hunting and fishing wishes for children under the age of 21 who have life-threatening illnesses.

"Joe has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and also has cardiac and respiratory failure that he takes medications for," his mother, Christy, said. "It's a disease that there's no cure for and it affects all of the muscles in the entire body. He's been in a wheelchair since he was 10."

Joe's three-day hunt, which begins today, will be at a game preserve, increasing his odds of bagging a big one.

Joe's wheelchair is outfitted with a battery-operated rifle mount that moves side to side or up and down so he can get a bead on his game.

Since Joe's arms have limited mobility, a straw-like tube attaches to the trigger mechanism, so when he's ready to fire, all he does is sip on the straw to pull the trigger.

"I just enjoy hunting with my dad and having a good time," Joe said.

Sources: Regina Leader-Post, canada.com

My two cents: This is the first time I've ever seen assistive technology designed to kill something. It's terrific. Assistive technology should be designed with the end user in mind. I've never had the desire to hunt, but I'm glad Joe is getting the opportunity.

Assistive technology usually is focused around the home environment, and occasionally around a work environment. We see far too little assistive tech developed for recreational purposes.

Here's a small list of assistive technology I'd like to see developed to enhance my life.

• The robot backrub... a life-size robot woman with extra soft hands!
• The robot kitty litter scooper... I would be a hero in my house if I could scoop the poop.
• The printer paper fetcher... my assistant wouldn't have to jump every time I hit print. Better yet, it could fetch the paper, then wad it up into a ball and throw it in the trash. It would save a step.
• The kid spanker... I can't beat my children, but I could let a robot do it.
• The kid anti-drowning device... it would be a large net in the bottom of my pool. If I hear a large splash, I wouldn't have to panic, call for help, or dial 911. I'll just push a button and a giant net will scoop my kid of the pool. I'd purchase a second button that would blow him dry and send him to his room.
• The wife mute button... enough said.

If you can invent any of these things... let me know, I'll make you a millionaire.

Labels: adaptive technology, disabled people, Friday Funnies, humor, hunting, smart homes, technology, wheelchair accessibility

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was quite serious at its time and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II. #1 on the list sets the tone: "Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters."As someone who works as the sole male in an office I found the entire article incredibly useful. I'm thinking about printing and posting it. What do you think?

read more | digg story

Labels: corporate culture, humor, women

Does your Macintosh make you hungry? Me neither. But these cupcakes do.

read more | digg story

Labels: Apple, humor, Mac

Here's a great commercial for Girls's Costume Warehouse in Hackensack, New Jersey. It's never too early to start shopping for Halloween.

Labels: Halloween, humor

Marriage Counseling Southern Style

Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie, are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing, and drinking beer, when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find.”

The Office Party

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Office Party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he had done something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean and so is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it and then you got sick in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean and I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Submit your Friday Funnies to funnies@sunfyre.com.

Labels: Friday Funnies, humor, marriage

I stumbled across this video on YouTube. It's actually a memorial tribute made from one player to another, but beyond that the video is awesome if you are a World of Warcraft player. Even if you don't play Warcraft, but you play EverQuest or any other massively multiplayer role-playing game, you're probably understand.

I laughed for about 10 minutes.

Let's hear what you think in the comments.

Labels: humor, video games, videos, World of Warcraft, YouTube