I like Monkeys.
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The Fine Print: I didn't write this and I'm not sure who did. I've seen several people on the Internet claiming ownership and authorship. I'd like to give credit where due. The monkey images were found on Google and various images I've collected. I don't know where most of them originated, but too are Curious George dolls, one is a sock monkey, the little icon in the blue circle is the logo at surveymonkey.com, and the last little guy is from the Fisher-Price Circus Train I played with as a child. Shop at Amazon.com |
The pet store
was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were
normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the
mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. 
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a
big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact,
none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their
genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. 
I
herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. 
Two hours later I found out
why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason.
They all just sorta dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it
dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I
had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It
got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I
tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a
while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to
call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them
every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't
all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I
had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet,
two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a
pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing
them away but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose
of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that
one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them,
but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the
genitals. I like monkeys.